My Life at 28: in a list format.

My Life at 28: in a list format.

 

To anyone who wants to know who I’ve been lately, and why most rarely ever hear from me:

 

This is really, really fucking long.

 

It’s also very brutally honest. “Part B” and "Part C" especially are filled with a million wonderful little Truth Bombs for you, that I feel have the potential to make anyone who takes the time to read and digest this list potentially a better and wiser person for doing so. 

 

If you Do take the time to read this, you might even have a different perspective on life after reading it.

 

This list gets Juicier and Juicier as it goes along.

 

Honestly, feel more than free to skip ahead at any point, after you get the general gist of "Part A" especially, if and when your patience starts to feel like it’s running thin.

 

I will probably upload updates of this list as my life continues from here, and goes on, and I naturally have more thoughts to add to it, and quite possibly thoughts or opinions of mine that change or grow overtime. This will probably be an ever-growing list as my life goes on, and I see myself potentially adding more and more to this list, for possibly the rest of my life.

 

And that’s pretty cool.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since 2017 I've had a problem that I haven't been able to completely understand or comprehend. One day in 2017 I had a massive charlie horse muscle strain in my left leg, and pretty soon after I started not being able to sense where my body is spatially. Where my fingers and toes naturally lie, where my head lies on my shoulders, where my teeth and jaw should naturally lie, etc. It seemed like the natural connections to my brain about where I spatially lie had been turned off.

 

I tried (and have tried, and tried) to explain to my parents what's been going on, but I haven't had the understanding or comprehension of what's happening to properly tell them in words. They're both medical people, but neither really could understand what I myself didn't understand.

The lack of knowing where I am spatially got worse as life continued, and has progressively felt like it has gotten worse and worse as time goes on, to the point where for many years now I really haven't had the slightest clue as to where my body is supposed to naturally lie, where my hands are supposed to naturally feel they sit on my wrists, where my feet feel like they're supposed to naturally sit on my ankles, where my ankles feel they naturally sit on my legs, etc.

 

My family and I started seeing doctors to try and figure out what was wrong and to try and fix it. Many, many, many, many doctors and specialists over the years.

 

Maybe 4 or 5 years into this problem only getting worse and worse (and much, much money and time and patience down the fucking drain), eventually we land on a nerve specialist, a "neurologist", who eventually diagnoses me with something he calls "small fiber neuropathy". My vitamin D and B12 levels were dangerously low, and I've been taking a lot of vitamins and pills trying to get better.

The pills the neurologist states work over a long period of time, and I've tried my best to be patient in all of this. I know it's difficult to help this problem, and I try to be as understanding as I can.

Apparently the pills I take he states will most likely only prevent the problem from worsening (which is great after so many years of it getting worse and worse), and to be fair, the last year or two it hasn't felt like it is progressively "worsening", just maintaining its level of shittiness and confusion that I've built up to in the first 4 or 5 years.

My parents ask me consistently if I'm improving, and I unfortunately don't have a clear answer for them. I don't particularly feel it's improving, but at least I don't particularly feel like it's getting worse, and if it is getting worse, it isn't as fast of a worsening as the first several years (pre-neuropathy diagnosis).

 

This constant worsening and worsening of my feeling and nerve connections, and my brain's confusion as to where my body naturally lies, has been the way it's been for me up through very recently, for the past year or 2, maybe even 3 since neuropathy. It's hard to place these in the timeline of my life lately.

Being passed from one doctor to another for many years with no progress, and with the last few years my nerve health still not "improving" (albeit not particularly worsening), I haven't been able to keep up much hope of me returning to my former life, of my brain understanding where my whole body and nervous system lies, in this problem that has affected my entire body from head to toe since it started.

 

 

However...

 

 

Lately a breakthrough has happened. A massive fucking breakthrough, essentially the only "improvement" I've felt in 7 years...

 

One day after a party some friends of mine had a nitrous tank (aka "laughing gas"), that they had used to fill up balloons for a birthday party. When the party was over they offered me some of it. Initially not thinking I wanted to (I don't try drugs often, most drugs I have 0 interest in), I at first said "Thanks, but no thanks" to nitrous.

However, my friend went "Are you sure? It's just laughing gas."

 

Then I realized to myself "Oh, I've already tried this drug many times before," without even really being given much of a choice in the matter. Over the course of my life I've been to the dentist many times, and over the years I've had several cavities that've needed to be taken care of, where they give the patient laughing gas as they operate on the cavity. This is something I have experienced in my life at least 3-4 times, mainly when I was growing up, when my mother would take me to the dentist, and me getting laughing gas whilst a cavity was filled was something I had no choice in the matter, trying a new drug at a young formative age without a choice in the matter of doing so.

I've experienced laughing gas enough in the past that I knew I enjoyed it, that laughing gas makes a person feel good, and I had no fear of using it again some day. In fact, I never knew it was a drug one could easily legally purchase. If I knew this fact, then perhaps I might've taken laughing gas again in life much sooner.

 

Anyway, when offered the drug that was called laughing gas once again after many years since my last cavity fill, I thought "Sure why not, I like laughing gas and I'm not afraid of using it, why not hang out with friends and laugh and get high for a little bit? I've always loved the feeling of laughing gas and I need to release some stress in my life."

So I had laughing gas with friends for an hour or two, and it was fun, and it felt as good as I remember it feeling. Then I went home afterwards, and I didn't think much else of it.

 

The next day something weird and unexpected happened: my brain's understanding of where my body, head to toe naturally lies, FINALLY came back to some meaningful extent, to where it felt like my nervous system naturally understood where my muscles, skin, bones etc. lie within my body. Holy shit.

 

I got more laughing gas online. Turns out it's really fucking easy to get lol. They sell it at my local shop that's 3 minutes walking distance away from where I live.

 

Now it turns out there are 2 different types of laughing gas: the one a dentist/doctor gives a patient, and the other that you can purchase anywhere else. The doctors' give it to their patients with a lot of oxygen, because "nitrous oxide" (laughing gas) by itself takes away oxygen from the brain, and can have negative side effects. The type of laughing gas doctors give their patients (with lots of oxygen attached) is far healthier to take.

The next time I saw my parents in person I told them this good news about my body and health, hoping they would see it for the good thing that it is, and not be all "drugs are bad, how could you do this" sort of reaction.

They took it very well (I wasn't too worried really, my parents are pretty chill people) and they were extremely happy for me, although concerned about laughing gas's negative side effects (which I logically am too of course).

The next course of action I feel is to talk to my neurologist about all that I've been going through lately, and see what he thinks. I figured I would need to write my neurologist a list (this list) of my changes in my overall health lately, in my own words.

In my opinion, if this is the one fucking thing that helps my health, then a doctor somewhere should be willing to give me the safer laughing gas on occasion (on a healthy basis), but with the tangled web of doctors generally not being able to help me (some literally telling me that my health problem might not be real, and that it's just something my mind is fabricating, which whenever a doctor says that it really pisses me the fuck off, rightfully so).

Given how doctors haven't drastically helped my health problem improve in any discernable way for 7 fucking years, my guess is doctors will come up with some bullshit excuse as to why they won't ever give me any "safer" laughing gas, in any incriments, at all, at any point in time, because apart from the neurologist, most doctors (and America's pathetic health care system that robs me fucking blind whilst not helping me) don't help my problem in any meaningful way. It's hard to be optimistic when the reality of the situation logically leads me to not being optimistic, and not having hope.

 

Anyways, I've taken the less-safe (easy to get) form of laughing gas twice since then, for about an hour to an hour and a half each time. I know my parents cautioned me to not do this and to wait to talk to the doctor, but frankly, how I live my life and the choices I make are my own. I felt comfortable enough taking the less-safe version of laughing gas for the amount of time I took it previously. I've done it twice since then, both times my brain starting to figure things out in my body better and better. I don't need anyone's permission, and given how much I now understand about what's been going on with me, I'm glad I did it. Now I have far, far, far more to discuss at my next neurologist appointment coming up at the end of the month. I told my parents I've taken laughing gas yet again, and they took this news well. I feel I can trust them with this truth.

 

I started to write down all of the thoughts that my brain now was able to properly connect, that I have not been able to for 7 years. It's become a humongous and long as fuck list at this point, as over literally just this past week (I'm finishing up writing this on the early morning of April 9th, 2024) I have had lots of extremely important thoughts and connections returning to me, in an epiphany "moment of clarity" sort of way.

 

What follows is me trying my best to put into an order all of these thoughts. The thoughts started out with simple reconnecting of my body, how my hand properly sits on my wrist, how my chest feels when it has movement up and down when I breathe, things like that. It's ended now in more of a life introspection made clear to me, where clear thoughts about my life as a whole have finally become clear to me, that my brain hasn't been able to properly process before. It's been a very positive and emotionally draining week for me, especially the last 2 nights of me writing this, which has been the most introspective and powerful. The better, more "juicy" personal stuff is towards the bottom of the list, and I don't expect anyone to want to read such a massive fucking undertaking, so feel free to skip parts. My body's health seems to be improving day by day now, as my body, brain and nervous system feels like it is reconnecting itself.

 

Here's been my (very, very many) thoughts this last week:

 

 

I'll try my best to put them into categories, no promises though.

 

 

 

Part A: Connections of the body (most of this stuff is technical yada yada)

 

Part B: The Juicy Understanding of my thought processes a million times better than I possibly ever have, or for at the very least the last 7 years of my life, and me finally understanding and coming to terms with who I am as a person, and what I believe in.

 

Part C: Yet an even HIGHER UNDERSTANDING of how my brain calculates all of my life experiences that I have experienced thus far. (The Really Good Shit.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part A: Connections of the body:

 

This section's mostly mechanical, and will most interest doctors.

 

I've felt like I understand better how the human body functions as a machine. Here's what I feel I've learned:

Laughing gas affects the left side of my face first, then the right.

The left side of my neck I feel like I haven’t felt it there spatially in years.

The skin of my left armpit I feel it slowly peel itself off of my body when I lift my arm.

Skin seems to be the final and last part affected, the last ending nerve-wise.

My brain understands and comprehends all of this easily when high on laughing gas.

My heart (breathing in and breathing out) then becomes a part of this whole body balance.

 

I feel so alive, energized (for the first time in years!!!), and healthy 😊

 

I’m now up & dancing to music, because my body just feels like it, lol

 

My brain had completely forgotten where these specific points on my body (that my brain is supposed to automatically know where they are) were even located.

My body’s (or brain's) supposed to automatically know the space between 2 different specific pressure points on the body, but those many connections were all confused for many years.

(That might be the wrong terminology and use of the words "pressure" or "pressure point", but I'm using it in that context often in this list anyways all the same)

I’m able to detect the pain in my “broken” toe better (I might've broken or at least severely hurt my toe recently in an unrelated incident lol)

I hadn’t been using my calves properly when I walk, they’ve felt stiff as a rock for a long time, they both feel muscle-wise like they’ve “opened up” since taking laughing gas.

The need to stretch a muscle to its fullest extent can be confused in my brain for needing to crack (my neck, my back etc), which doesn’t get me to the fullest extent of stretching the muscle (actually cracking typically stops it from reaching that extent)

I've been cracking everywhere on my body constantly the last 7 years, which is unhealthy, but my body's felt it's "needed" to do this all the time, all the same.

My left side of my neck has weak nerves it feels like, I touch my hand briefly to the left side of my neck, then remove it,

It takes my brain an extra second or two to even process that the left side of my neck has just been briefly touched, and that it has even been touched at all.

My neck consistently sits slightly to the right of where it actually should be sitting always, due to it not processing correctly the skin (and touch on my skin) on the left side of my neck.

^This is what I believe might possibly be throwing my balance, my whole body’s balance off and out of whack.

 

When you take a deep breath and then exhale, your neck naturally has movement during this time,

My brain hasn’t at all processed this slight neck movement during exhaling through my neck in years, the feeling of breath through my neck (leaving my neck) when I exhale is a feeling I haven’t felt in years.

Possibly could my brain also not be processing properly the difference of position during breathing overall within my body in a similar or adjacent way? (Such as when my chest moves up and down during breathing? Does my brain not process that my chest is moving slightly during this time??)

^I think this might be why I literally “crack” the middle of my chest extremely often (every fucking day 🙄), just like I crack my back or my neck, the middle of my chest cracks often, possibly connected to how I might not process my chest movement properly during breathing.

Same thing goes for when I talk or eat probably, my adam’s apple moves (it makes my neck move), my teeth and jaw move when I eat or talk, my body probably does not process these movements accurately.

My jaw when being used hasn’t correctly been biting down, it’s been biting down as if with the need to try and pop my left ear when I use my jaw, my left ear feels like it’s had my jaw attempting to pop it constantly for years every time I use my jaw.

My right shoulder “cap” and my left shoulder “blade” are connected pressure points,

ie:

My brain is supposed to automatically process and know the location of where my right shoulder “cap” is, in relation to where my left shoulder “blade” is (and vice versa)

^

There are many, many different “2 pairings” of pressure points on the body, where my brain is supposed to automatically process the relation and space between the 2 locations.

All of these “pairing” connections my brain should automatically process have been shut off entirely throughout my entire body for many, many years.

-There’s a pairing of my left jaw below my left ear (where it connects to the neck), to the left chest muscles.

-There is also a pairing from this left jaw position to my left hip.

^My brain figuring out this specific pairing made me twist free a muscle in my stomach (my body instinctively accurately stretched my stomach to the right briefly, and a muscle in the left of my stomach “opened up”, as if I had not used that muscle properly in a long time).

The long muscle(s) on the backside of my left upper leg have been negatively affected (where that "charlie horse" muscle tightening from 2017 occurred), which then in turn has affected my good 'ole glutes 🍑. When I sit down I feel the need to sit down on a hard surface (hardened chair), instead of a different more comfy chair that should otherwise be the more comfortable one for sitting.

This is all related to how the body operates on a mechanical level, as a machine.

My tongue hasn’t known how to properly sit in my mouth in years, where it’s supposed to naturally lie.

I’ve not felt the natural arch of my back in a long time, I always seem to sit down (or be standing up) with my back not in its proper natural arch as it should be.

My mind connecting one thought to the next is easier whilst taking laughing gas, it flows naturally, for the first time in years really.

My body for years never felt like getting up and doing anything, because it always always felt like crap.

 

Your brain functions like this: If yes, then, … If no, then … .

-In its simplest most condensed form.

 

P-Funk (Bootsy Collins, Zapp, Parliament, Funkadelic) understands how to & the importance of implementing guitar solos/other epic solos (on bass, violins, whatever instrument they choose) within/into music.

All of this thought connectivity is a part of the nervous process/my nerve problem.

Even these simple thoughts discussing great music, though possibly believed to be “trivial” to most who refuse to examine their own minute but important thought processes closely enough in their own lives, are important within these nervous system and body health talks. It is All a signal, signal within the nerves, signal within the brain, and within the body.

 

Nervous system health is body system health.

Health of the nerves is health of the body.

It all connects, every thought. Everything in the body from head to toe. Everything.

 

Which is why I have felt like shit for so long, but not now.

 

I take another beautiful big joyous sigh of relief, my body can rest easy tonight knowing it feels ok.

 

Maybe I might even try sleeping in a bed, and not on the ground like I often do tonight. Fuck it! Why not?

 

My breathing aka the lungs have taken the hardest toll.

That feeling of needing a little stretch when you stand up from sitting down for a while has returned, I hadn’t really felt that in years, my body when I’d sit down felt like a giant lump, one giant block sat down on a chair, no longer feeling.

My sense of smell has improved (slightly, it still isn't the best).

Where my shoulders naturally lie is coming back to me, my brain hasn’t recognized where my shoulders are supposed to naturally sit on my body for fucking years. 🙄

My brain didn’t even realize it enough to know whether there was a problem with where my shoulders have been lying. It's been just completely random as to how my shoulders unknowingly have been sitting for years, I feel in general my body has been dealing with a lot of that “unknowing” where I am spatially for the longest of times, years and years of it.

But that’s changing now, finally :)

 

Pink Floyd's The Wall is an important album in my life, and it is meant to be listened to in repetitions. This is evident by the ending connecting to the beginning, (with the phrase "Is this where we came in?", Signifying that as we break down metaphorical Walls of ours, new ones may still arise, and life is an endless loop of struggling with these walls that we build.

May we forever continue to struggle to break down the walls we find within our personal lives (and ourselves).

 

Tear down those fucking walls.

 

When I’m high on laughing gas my head feels heavy; however when I’m not high on laughing gas, I can’t feel my head on my shoulders at all ever.

After getting high on laughing gas, I can go to sleep on my bed comfortably.

Otherwise I usually find much more comfort sleeping on the hard surface of my floor.

 

Sometimes the meaning within art can simply be freedom of speech, and that's enough.

 

It feels like my body can get back to normal (due to my youth and otherwise strong health) if I were to continue recalibrating where my nerves are located.

 

Here's a good summary of the connection of the body's nervous system:

My brain is telling me (subconsciously) that I shouldn’t tell anyone that I enjoy using a drug, and that the drug’s been helping me extremely well with reconfiguring my body, and that my nervous system feels better with it.

^I even initially lied to my parents about having taken laughing gas more times since the initial time, due to this, but quickly my brain decided that telling them the truth was better (which it was, they took it well).

My brain, nerves, and body feel so much healthier using the drug all the same, but I have a slight nerve impulse of negativity accompanying it, from people telling me growing up that I shouldn't like or take any drugs.

Shit that’s been implemented into my brain since I was a kid (like teaching me how my brain should think, how I should automatically hate drugs and drug use, how I’m supposed to think) can be negatively affecting my brain and thought process now as an adult. 🙄

 

The brain’s automatic connection when it thinks of something (anything) is arguably the most important factor.

 

Thought processes.

 

Chain of (train of) Thought processes.

 

The connection/chain of nerve functions.

 

The body's natural instinct to laugh is a factor (I haven't felt that natural instinct very often the last few years).

 

I feel it’s laughable how little doctors and humans understand the nervous system, and understand how the body works as a machine.

 

It is literally fucking laughable. Except I ain’t laughin, cuz it’s been fucking up my life since 2017.

 

Some people’s need and thought process to never ever ever take any drug is fucking stupid. (As Meanwhile they Probably take Caffeine, Tylenol, and Drink like a fish.

 

I’m so glad I didn’t listen to all the stupid bullshit growing up.

 

What feels good to listen to musically (what makes you feel good) is important.

When you hear the voice (or guitar or synth, or sounds) of an artist you like, your brain automatically wants to fuck with it.

 

My upbringing of me needing to be anti-drug might have led to me not finding laughing gas as soon as I should have, the years and years of inner turmoil of me dealing with this shit could have been Fucking avoided.

 

Life is these little brain “yes”s and “no”s. ("If yes, then ... . If no, then ... ."

 

 

Fuck it, fuck otha mf’s, just go for it. In life.

 

 

My body feels rejuvenated.

My lower back feels like it’s realigning properly to the proper position, naturally on its own.

My bed feels more comfortable, in general everything’s feeling more comfortable (bed, clothes, pillows, chairs, blankets).

Walking is easier, if it wasn’t for my hurt toe recently I feel like I could run forever, just for the fun of running :)

I feel energized, full of life.

My ears popped majorly and beautifully, as if they were in need of a good popping for years & years and finally got it.

 

The doctor's stuff has not noticeably improved my life in any meaningful way that I process in a day-to-day basis in my life.

The effect of my nerves understanding where they are lasts long after the high of the laughing gas is done and over with.

My face naturally wants to smile (all of the time).

I feel where my toes are better, long after the laughing gas high has worn off.

Laughing gas has helped me connect super easily (connections in the nervous system) the farthest left my body parts can stretch before hurting, the farthest right my body can stretch before hurting, the farthest upward I can stretch, the farthest downward. My body and brain hasn't known naturally how much I can naturally stretch my body before it hurts, in one direction or another.

Where my body should instinctively lie has been what's been thrown off for so long.

I forgot the balance 100%, I’ve seemed to have remembered and gotten it back (some of it here anyway, slowly but surely)

 

Your brain is filled with millions of microscopic impulses of: “If ya want "blank" to happen, then do "blank". If ya don’t want "blank" to happen, then do "blank".”

 

There is a delicate balance within the body.

I need to heal the space in between the body's (nervous system's) connections.

….in a way some only “drugies” are in the know about (and doctors honestly aren't or haven't been with me (which is weird and counterintuitive for doctors, they need to wisen up about things such as this.)

My brain needed to know "blank" in order to "blank".

My tongue’s sense of flavor is returning strongly.

My muscles are in pretty good shape, that's cool. It feels good.

Nothing the doctors have done so far has (that my brain can deduce) significantly helped the root of the problem, only in the rarest of instances some very minor symptoms of it.

Laughing gas has helped me understand an in general Life balance I haven’t understood previously (thank you God).

It helped me understand and comprehend the balance on a moment-to-moment basis of my life, beyond & not just on a textual understanding of it.

My left upper inner leg is a pressure point (where that initial charlie horse was).

 

Comfortable is a good word to describe things, the feeling my body is trying to obtain. Just comfort. That's all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part B: The Juicy Understanding of my thought processes a million times better than I possibly ever have, or for at the very least the last 7 years of my life, and me finally understanding and coming to terms with who I am as a person and what I believe in.

 

 

 

My body and my brain combined are the

"If yes then blank...",

"If no then blank..." of my Brain/Nervous System/Body.

 

To relate to others is beneficial to my existence, my body and my brain (combined they are the "if yes then blank...", "if no thenk blank..." of my brain & nervous system) naturally tells me this.

 

There's a connection within these pressure points (these body connections) and the inner feelings an individual naturally has.

 

 

So here we fucking go y'all, buckle the fuck up.:

 

Let's start off with a softball thought shall we?:

 

Where should I start,

 

Let’s seeee…

 

I know!

 

A white man’s automatically controversial thoughts on the n word:

Keep in mind, the thought is to educate. Not to hate. Always.

The n word is within my generation's brains' thought processes through the beauty of music. It’s automatic. It's not automatically or necessarily racist for a white person to think the n word in a thought of theirs anymore (it certainly fucking used to be, that's for fucking sure). I can think of a million great (beautiful, perfect) song lyrics that has the word within it. This I see as a good, positive thing for healing within human races, and I don't care who tells me I shouldn't view it as such. I'm allowed to my own opinions, as a human being.

 

My thought process is so fucking clear lately it’s crazy.

 

I feel like listening and dancing to Zapp, full of life and knowing every dance beat.

 

Getting the life vibes just right (with your family, with your loved ones, with your friend base, with your work) is important. (for your nerves and brain and overall health).

^all are great for me lately.

 

I’m a professional party goer. Professional at having a good time and making others do the same.

I make my family and friends have a good time when they’re around me.

I know the brain processes to make them have fun.

 

Life’s working out well at the moment.

 

I’m so fucking happy. (I haven’t said or thought that shit in years lol).

 

I can dance my ass off really easily and well again :)

I’m so happy.

 

A childlike feel of wanting for something connects similarly with how one would want for a drug

Connects with wanting.

 

The most childlike wanting I can think of is as a little kid wanting to be at Mcdonalds and go within the playground structure that they had there, sitting in a specific section with a window to peep out to the rest of the playing area, looking out from within there, in my own fun secret bubble.

 

Pink Floyd's The Wall’s themes resonate with me tremendously. Breaking down walls and barriers of comfort.

 

I like depressing Pink Floyd songs & albums. I respectfully have a different opinion from my Dad, who knows his Pink Floyd as well, and I respect his opinion, along with my Mom’s opinions.

 

I think I’m a pretty good guy. I just teared up slightly lol.

 

I don’t think it’s cool to have too high of an opinion of yourself, try to keep shit grounded, you are a regular human like every other crazy mf you see walking down the street after all.

 

My thinking is so much clearer lately.

 

I feel like I could run forever, I have so much fucking energy restored to me, I feel young and youthful again for the first time since 20 fucking 17.

 

The Wall: a depressing album that can actually legitimately help a person feel better about the journey of life. A depressing album with a purpose that helps me feel better. I just slightly teared up thinking about it again lol

 

The Wall Album helped heal me.

The Wall (in its repetition) is one of the most genius albums in all creation.

 

I love the U.S.: I can buy laughing gas easily at a store within walking distance to me.

That's fucking great, and I love that about where I live in the world.

 

People can’t manipulate you as much or as easily if you’re in (less/no) pain, ("No More Pain" by Tupac Shakur) and have good health and positive thinking.

 

I was right to think (whilst high trying to help myself): “What if I am not or have not been approaching this health problem of mine at all whatsoever in a way that is going to be beneficial?”

 

As you get older and life wears down on your body, it’s wise to try and find something that could help it,

I find that this laughing gas does.

 

Thank God I actually tried taking something.

 

(

 

 

 

Proofreading this list of mine in the future by a few months: I no Longer Feel the need for laughing gas, and my health problems of the last seven years are gone :)

 

 

 

)

 

 

 

 

 

The fact that there is a space between the two pressure points is something my brain has had immense difficulty comprehending for 7 years (which likely has had permanent negative effects on my body that I will likely carry with me for the rest of my life.)

It reminds me of Frodo getting stabbed, and carrying that wound and pain with him for the rest of his life, and him understanding, coming to terms with, and accepting this harsh, brutal fact.

 

Your body eventually resets itself with the information it’s been given.

Learning the relationship between how your body “yes” or “nos” is essential for better body health.

 

My body was broken apart, I feel my body is able to logically piece itself back together now.

 

That relationship had been completely muddled before.

 

I’d like to help those with similar issues (nerve issues or otherwise), hopefully this list of information can be the start of a way that I can give back to others.

 

Non drug users can hate it all they want, it doesn’t stop it from being true, there is this balance within your body, some specific drugs (laughing gas) can help your brain figure it out, and that's a good thing.

 

My muscles feel so much better.

 

I act more like myself personality-wise knowing where my body is.

 

My thought process is stronger, overall mental fitness is stronger now.

Putting/Stringing together my thoughts is much easier.

 

I believe I understand the art of how music Flows better than many.

 

I feel so much more myself lately.

 

It feels good (great) to fucking run! Fuck yeah. Youth man, youth is good.

 

Being sick has driven so much energy out of me since it started in 2017

^

I try to be a good sport in life, so it’s Always been chill, but wtf bro, what the flying fuck. 🙄

 

It’s cool tho. Lolz.

 

Just keep on truckin’. Just like Sharon does in my other fucking bullshit comedy book that I wrote that no one gives two fucks about lol.

^

Writing relieves my stress, it makes me laugh at the stupid goofy very funny shit I feel that I come up with, or (more Accurately) that I Observe in the World Around me. The book is made to make me laugh, and it’s successful in that.

 

Working out generally makes my body feel good, well exercised. That’s why I do it.

However, none of it during these many years has ever remotely attacked the actual source of the problem,

Same thing with everything else we’ve tried with the doctors. Seriously. Every single one (so far) has never actually noticeably changed the source of the problem for the better for my day-to-day life, from one day to the next.

^

However, now that I have actually attacked the source of the nerve problem and feel like my body is easily overcoming it on an everyday basis (Fuck YEAH!!! 😎),

It does feel like me having now a half-way decent muscle tone on my body feels very healthy, my nerve problem feels extremely even fucking better now because I’m also in very good shape muscle-wise (like the youthful-feeling 28 year-old young man who works out often that I’m supposed to feel like.

Where the muscles and the nerves connect, that important connection to the brain’s understanding of how the body (a machine) is supposed to function and feel felt disconnected.

 

My ability to express myself clearly through my words and thoughts has never been clearer in my life. I can have more intelligence put into good thoughts when my thoughts aren’t preoccupied with me feeling like crap everyday, confused within my own body, head to toe.

 

Now my intelligence feels like it’s in a weird, “full-blast” thought processing, on an almost nerdy “computer”-type level, it’s fucking crazy but I love it. This is fantastic.

 

I feel more creative. I feel like literally this very note taking of every thought of mine is on an expert level. That’s dope (aka “cool” or “hip” to all of you old folks out there lol, love ya Ma & Dad 😘).

 

 

Holy shit. I love life.

 

I love life.

 

I had completely forgotten.

 

It’s back though baby, I feel good and ready to take on this world by the fucking balls. Let’s fucking do this. Let’s fucking go.

 

Hating on swear words is being scared of the complete freedom of thought. It’s a problem older and older generations tend to have (grandmas, then great grandpas, then great great great yada fuckin’ yada.

 

Freedom of thought is good, it makes my brain and body and nervous system function properly

^

(maybe perhaps one day even fully? One can hope ;)

^

I’ve never felt that optimistic about my future and these health problems of mine in years!

I’ve never felt much hope for things improving in my life and my nervous system, when my life has been doctor after doctor after doctor since 2017, me dealing with this shit with nothing fucking helping.

It’s hard to be optimistic in that scenario, although I always try.

 

I feel optimistic, that my future is bright.

 

I felt like my future was heading in as dark of a direction as it could possibly be for the rest of my life moving forward. It was likely that that would be my fate (always feeling like shit) is what I’ve felt all this time.

 

I still wouldn’t say that I've felt “depressed”, I feel like I’m a very chill guy who can take on anything life throws his way, one way or another I get through whatever. It’s who I feel I am. Always have been. I'll get through, I'll get by. Always.

 

I don’t know if I’ve understood that about myself for the last 7 years, and now I’m just now tearing up with joy as I write this, realizing it about myself.

 

I love myself. And I’m fucking crying tears of joy.

 

I’m so fucking happy.

 

I just had a deep burst of tears of joy like I’ve never felt.

 

Life’s going to be ok.

 

Life’s really going to be better than ok, but fucking great.

 

I haven’t felt this way during the last period of my life, possibly even ever before that.

 

Life’s perfect. I love that shit.

 

Fuck I only cry like this during lord of the rings, what the fuck is happening to me right now 😂🤣😆.

 

Fuck yeah that felt good.

 

I’m struggling not to tear up with joy that life’s working out for the second time here, I whimpered a few times but I held it down lol.

 

It feels like positive sensations and positive nerve things are returning to my brain for the first time in years, in a way that I haven’t felt in forever.

 

I haven’t felt “true great happiness” such as this in so many years, probably since the last time Izaya made me laugh really really fucking hard.

 

Or watching lord of the rings honestly. Or a few selections of happiness during listens of my favorites. Included but not limited to (in no specific order:)

 

Pink Floyd

Tribe.

Prince

Zapp

Sun Ra

2Pac

Bootsy Collins

etc etc

 

^

This type of thought could be useful and be used to benefit my life and grow:

Such as me dancing/performing, and putting it onto youtube for example (I think I’d be really good at that and it sounds fun! It excites me. I’m taking steps to achieve that idea/dream of mine daily & constantly, and I think I will work better, and harder now that I feel great all of the time.)

 

It’s best to start doing this great shit when you’re young & full of energy:

“You ain’t gettin’ any younger.”

 

It’s hard for me to work hard when my brain’s completely detached from work, and I’m just focused on how I feel like crap, and I am dealing with feeling like crap all the time.

 

That’s no longer the case 😉.

 

Feeling the taste of my mouth yet again (yes your mouth has an "automatic" taste) for the first time in years is & feels weird. I feel like using mouthwash an extra time in the middle of the day, just to keep the taste in my mouth “good” (or “dope”, as the youngsters say, you get it Ma and Dad? ;)

 

Fuck I got a stuffy nose from crying so hard with joy lol. That doesn’t really happen to me lol, that was fucking sick (sick as in “dope”, or “good”).

 

I’m a sassy kinda guy in a fun way when I feel good lol aren’t I? Lolz. It feels good to finally have some spunk back in my personality, jesus fucking christ.

 

I’m making myself laugh again.

 

By the way on the ferry ride to Kingston I listened to a comedy hip hop artist I hadn’t listened to in awhile, that “me and Izaya” (NOT “Izaya and I”, that’s incorrect actually) used to listen to back in high school.

 

I laughed several times really hard listening to songs me and my best friend used to listen to and laugh our asses off everyday back in the day. (For anyone curious, it's Lil B, that dude's hilarious; Lil B’s "Den Fuckt": a Masterpiece.))

 

I made the conscious decision to choose to listen to the funniest, happiest feeling shit I could listen to, because my brain wanted to have that positive feeling again.

 

Literally all I’ve been listening to lately previously was Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” and “The Final Cut”, as well as some solo Roger Water’s music.

^Which has significantly helped me out of a dark space in my lifetime (especially The Wall album’s themes of depression and life struggles has really helped me, and it’s making me feel moved so much that I’ve almost moved myself to tears yet again thinking about it (especially all 500 versions that exist of Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”, duh. 👍🏻)

 

Anyway, to be fair, whenever I watch either 2 of some of my favorite films:

“Pink Floyd’s “The Wall””,

or Even better,

the movie “Roger Waters’ “The Wall””,

I typically start tearing up like a little bitch when Comfortably Numb’s guitar solo comes on,

That shit just gets to me, man. 🤗

 

Fuck yeah that song’s

 

Say it with me:

 

“Dope.”

 

 

 

I gotta stop but I’m making myself laugh every time, it’s a stupid childish joke that has built layers upon itself each and every time, making it funnier.

 

Good humor can be childish, and that’s ok. It’s actually a beautiful thing.

 

My creative thought processing that I am always doing whenever I write my comedic stories is now back. It’s been gone since I finished Book 1 out of a planned trilogy, that I’m slowly working on parts 2 and 3 of (but it is taking much, much longer than Book 1 took to write (not complaining, it’s super chill, however long it takes me it takes me).

But my creative analyzing of how to write humor is back, and my comedy book series might be easier to write and save me some time writing it at a faster pace now that my creativity, analysis, and critical thinking feels like it’s back.

 

I feel like my brain is also more geared towards making smarter decisions, due to the critical thinking, analysis, and creativity feeling like it’s all coming back. This is great for me and my life in general.

 

Has this very long list become creative? It’s actually been kinda fun just to jot down what positive thoughts I’m thinking of.

 

I’m thinking positively. More so than I feel I have been able to in a very long time. :)

 

Fuck yes.

 

Fuck you if you don’t like the word fuck.

Grow a pair. Or chillout. Or both. Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously. Just curse. Life will be ok and continue on, it’s fine. Express yourself, it’s fun. Be free to be yourself, it’s fun.

 

I love myself.

 

I understand myself and my journey in life better since I started taking laughing gas, and really quite immediately since the day I started it.

 

I cried of happiness!?! If you know me well then you know how fucking crazy that is!

And I’m tearing up for joy slightly again here, fuck it! 😊

 

I’m happy.

 

I’m happy that I’m happy.

 

I haven’t truly felt happy since some point before all of these health problems had felt like they had taken over my entire way of feeling about my life.

But that shit’s gone and away now, I think positively, and I’m happy as fuck, slightly teary-eyed thinking about it yet again 😎

 

Life’s good. 👍🏻

 

I clearly just had a breakthrough of some type with my health, and I just took a huge and beautiful joyous sigh of relief 😁

 

As I tear up yet again, I wonder if I should go to sleep.

 

But nah, instead I think I’m gonna listen to some of my favorite music for a few more hours, and get some work done, and have a great and happy (and productive) rest of my night.

 

Peace.

 

 

...

 

I unlocked muscles in my stomach I feel like I haven’t used or known how to use in years.

 

I’m having a great time right now.

 

I’m having a great time in life.

 

If someone were to ask me “How’s life?” in this moment, I’d tell 'em I’m “Having a great time. :)”

 

....

 

 

People have plenty of their own problems, many, many, many of them are far worse than mine is. I always know this and understand this fact when dealing with my problems. I don’t complain, and I hate even the very idea of me being a fucking whiny complainer. Never. Fuck that bullshit. Fuck complaining, Fuck whining, and Fuck Bitching online, in real life, or Bitching, Whining, or Complaing Anywhere Fucking Else. Fuck That.

 

I feel like I’ve begun the next chapter of my life. A much more positive one. Where my body and mind know where I am spatially again.

 

I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I can breathe easier.

 

My brain is in overdrive with thoughts running through my head.

 

I’m more open-minded in giving things a try, like opening my mind to different styles of music I don’t typically listen to (possibly try a few foods here and there that look appetizing, but that I don’t typically eat?)

I’m a picky eater usually, so that isn’t an easy thing for me to say or to admit to myself lol

 

My taste buds are back tho baby! Lol.

 

 

This list is going to keep on going as my life goes on here.

 

And that’s the thought process and growth within one’s lifetime.

Growth within life:

An ever-growing list of one’s thoughts and processes of life, that their brain digests.

Mine can finally get back on track and back to normal now.

 

Let’s fucking go. 🤘🏻

 

 

 

-For example with the music, there’s a newer hip hop song that I like, in a style of hip hop I generally used to not like (I've been a Grumpy 80's hip hop head too often in life lmao), but I hear it a million times at work and it’s grown on me. I like it, and I think it’s good, even though it’s far out of what I’d normally like, enjoy (and honestly creatively would find myself appreciating/enjoying) within hip hop styles.

That's been changing a lot for me recently, opening up to different music, learning to appreciate more music styles :)

 

 

I can dance really fucking well right now (even with one shitty toe lol), my body moves like jello now and I can jump easily. I feel light on my feet and really want to run and burn off some beautiful youthful energy right now (but I'll try to let my toe heal here before I do that lol).

 

Our lives in today’s society are compartmentalized by nature: our family lives, our love lives, our work lives, our friend lives, our personal alone lives, our health lives.

My shitty health life has felt like it’s entirely encapsulated and controlled all other aspects of my life, me having to build a wall between me and others, to a good extent, due to what my mind is upon the most (my bad health lately).

^

I relate to the Pink floyd song “The Thin Ice”:

 

If you should go skating

On the Thin Ice of Modern life

Dragging behind you the silent reproach

Of a million tear-stained eyes....,

Don’t be surprised when a Crack in the ice

Appears under your feet.

You slip out of your depth, and out of your mind

With your fear flowing out behind you, as you claw the thin ice.

 

Heavy lyrics. Fuck.

 

I say fuck a lot. Judge me all you want, it’s a fun word. It's also probably the word in the English language with the largest amount of definitions and uses, making it awesome (I love Freedom Of Thought Processes, "fucks" and all).

 

Taking laughing gas, which has health negatives, and feeling happy going through my life (I’m not getting any younger) is better than me going through life everyday, everyday, everyday... comatose to everything, always, for 7 years, going on 8.

 

Book 1 is Sharon in her darkest spot brain-health wise, but she keeps going and goes through anything and everything.

Books 2 & 3 she becomes the boss of shit and her own life and situations.

 

When I slightest sweat, or my head feels hot, my body instantaneously has zero energy, making it hard to get through the day, leading me to completely crashing at the end of the day.

The last few nights though I’ve had Great, normal sleep without crashing, and have had overheaping amounts of youthful energy.

 

If you had bad nerve feelings at the end of a long day, I recommend trying a small amount of laughing gas.

 

We all go through our own personal hells, and mine doesn’t deserve me extra special sympathy points in society.

 

rather,

 

Someone struggling, and keeping going, and perhaps one day even overcoming to some meaningful extent against all odds, earns a more genuine Respect (rather than (stronger, more powerful than) sympathy, out of people (which is better in my opinion).

 

I feel like I can use logic and reasoning (and Thought) to overcome stupid fucks in real life and on the ever-too-often cunty internet.

 

I generally don’t like most society of my day and age as a whole, y'all are Too Violent In My Time, unfortunately. It’s more specific individuals that I think are fucking awesome, and give me any fucking hope at all whatsoever for the future of humanity, where generally there’s way too many evil assholes and stupid fucks for the future of humanity to look at all that bright to me.

 

Also people need to take a fucking chill pill when it comes to humor and comedy. If you don’t like a joke someone makes, it doesn’t make a comedian an evil person. If you try to ruin someone over a bad joke or a joke you don’t like, it’s in fact you that is an evil cunt. Fuck you, this is why we can’t have nice things like comedy in this day and age, so it seems. I’m going to do everything I can to battle against that bullshit cunty direction society is taking, where no one can take a fucking joke without immediately getting offended over absolutely nothing and getting their panties stuck in a motherfucking bunch. Fuck you, you’re ruining the fun for the rest of us who possess logic, reasoning, and understand nuance and context.

Fuck you. I’ll never give in on this, no matter how hard society tries to tell me what is and isn’t appropriate humor for me to find funny or to create. Fuckoff. Go fuck your mother you cocksucking cunts. Let the rest of us enjoy a good laugh every now and then. And don’t take yourselves so fucking seriously. Who the fuck are you? A regular human being, just like every other human being that’s ever fucking existed. Get off your fucking high horses, you ain’t shit. Bitch.

 

I normally in my life wouldn’t be this brutally honest with my thoughts out loud, (not trying to hurt those I care about,) but at this point (with what's going on with my health lately), who gives a fuck. I say go for it. I’m saying what I truly fucking think for the first time in ages. It’s freeing and feels great. Others can take the truth however they may. Let the cards fall however they will or whatever that saying is.

 

Many come and go in life, only a few really stick around, loyal and wanting to stick around through loyalty, love, and caring, and love.

 

I know my core group of humans I care about are this type of person that I can depend on through life, which is a wonderful feeling to have people like that in my life.

 

Sorry I’m occasionally an emotionless jerk sometimes, especially the last few years, y’know I love you guys.

 

I’ve been crying in happiness listening to The Box by Roddy Rich on repeat all night lol (that's the "newer" (like 4 years ago) hip hop song I was talking about earlier lol, it's Dope).

 

I couldn’t talk to many about all of this for years. I didn’t know how to process what was happening myself, so I confusedly couldn’t hope to begin to explain any of this, leaving my Mom and Dad frustratingly trying to help me without me being able to explain in a clear way what’s wrong.

Even those I know that I could reach out to and talk to about it I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to ever talk about it (trying to keep my bad health off of my mind to the largest extent I possibly could). I also generally want to keep those knowing about my health problems on the low just generally.

If someone didn’t need to know this was going on with me, then they weren’t going to know. That’s generally always how it is in my life. If someone doesn’t need to know something about who I am, then they won’t know shit.

I still like that last shit usually though lolz. Fuck y’all, I don’t owe you shit, I don’t owe you this life story. If I want it kept to myself, then that’s my perfectly acceptable choice to do so. I'm still moving forward in my life. Fuck y’all, I don’t owe you shit explanation as to how I choose to live my life. And vice versa y’all, vice versa (Fuck me (respectfully), y’all don’t owe me shit explanations as to how you live your life).

 

This happened recently when my mom told my sister something I barely felt comfortable telling my mother about. Deeply personal shit I told her in confidence, and she told her anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever been so genuinely mad in my life. But she’s my mom and I love her, and we move on. We keep going.

I’m tearing up again here, fuck. I love my Mom.

I call her Ma a lot, I hope she likes that I do this. It's a term of endearment I use, out of love.

 

Weed makes me think creatively in its own unique way too y’all, fuck all y’all that judge me on that, and fuck all you motherfuckers. 🖕🏻

 

I have a fucked up sense of humor, and I feel free to say whatever the fuck I want to to anybody. Judge me all you want on that.

 

This is who I am. I’m not changing to be what you want me to be. Fuck y’all.

 

I also remain silent when I want to. I don’t owe anyone a response to jack shit, I don’t owe anybody the time of the fucking day. I go for self. And for those I love, or at the very least I like a lot. Honestly fuck everyone else until I like them.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is:

 

I’m me. Unapologetically. And I’m happy with that.

 

I’m not going to dilute myself for anyone.

 

 

 

Around here is where the list starts to get extremely fucking brutal, and extremely honest about personal family matters, and I hope my family can understand my need to finally get this shit off of my chest. It's clearly been weighing on me for ages, yet I've never had the clearness of thought to properly process, express, and release it until just now:

 

Here we go y'all.... :

 

 

I feel my sister subconsciously judges me as a stoner, because she loves me and doesn’t want me to adapt to a lifestyle that could be a bad road for me to go down.

I feel I subconsciously judge my sister (even though I don’t mean to or want to) for the amount of liquor she drinks, out of my love for her and me not wanting to see her go down a bad road later in life.

I also don't want to be dealing with an alcoholic sister when we're both in our 50s, that would suck, for Her most of all, aaaaaand i Love you :)

It’s like that movie Platoon, the drinkers’ and the smokers’ personalities separate them into clicks that don’t get along as well as they should, for no good reasoning.

I feel there’s always a space between us, and it doesn’t help that there isn’t much hobby-wise we have in common (except maybe Game of thrones lol, GoT is dope yo), and talk is on a rare occasion stilted and awkard between us from time to time. I feel us both making the effort to get better at it, and I love her for that. And now I’m full-blown crying again. Fuck.

Also my mom literally yesterday told me struggles in my sister's life that she's been dealing with that I had no clue about. I'll try to be more understanding of a brother in the future, knowing slightly more about what her personal hells are that she herself is going through.

 

I'm sorry for being a Dick who says and does Whateva'a'a. Haa, Luv Ya, Thank You For Putting Up With Me For All These Years.

 

Ya bro Loves You 💕

 

This next one's rough.

 

I still hold resentment in me that I don’t want to hold on to anymore, for my mom when I was growing up. We didn’t get along super well a lot of the time when I was growing up, and it was only when my dad needed to move away from us for work for a few years that my mom and I became best friends (it was either that or we probably would have killed each other, just the two of us in a house for several years in cold bitter Wisconsin weather 24/7 lol).

 

I hold resentment that I don’t mean to hold on to, and that I don’t want to hold on to anymore.

She made a bigger deal out of me being in boy scouts than she should have, and I still don’t know if she understands or believes this herself still to this day. I’ve felt for years if she took one good look at who I was growing up, she’d have realized boy scouts was a terrible fucking fit for me. She always meant well, and we’ve always loved each other, but I’m not that type of boy-scouty person, and trying to force me to be so doesn’t change it, it only made me resentful towards her. I felt I was being told who I naturally was and naturally am isn’t good, and that I needed to adhere to how every other person acts. It was more what boy scouts symbolized as what I felt was her trying to control me, who I was, that I always felt weighed heavy on me. All my life I felt I was being told who I’m supposed to be, by my teachers, by the law, by your parents, by random adults who probably don’t even know who the fuck you are, and have probably terrible lives of their own, so they let it out on those whose brains they can manipulate the easiest (kids) whenever they can.

Anyways, I was otherwise as a kid on the computer a lot, working on creative stuff, or wanting to play video games whilst listening to music, laughing with my best friend or friends, which as a young kid I feel that’s a perfectly suitable life balance to have (it’s healthy even).

One good look at me back when my mother and I didn’t get along, and this wedge between us could’ve never been built to begin with, and I regret that it was built between us, that we didn’t get along well for many, many years, and I resent her in her part she played within that, that lost time we should’ve been closer with one another than we were (especially as a 28 year-old young man now, knowing how much of a fun and cool person my mother is to be around :)

 

The Wall’s songs that are about teachers and mothers, society trying to mold all of its youth into the exact same person, I really relate to. Teachers want to mold you into the same, bullshitty, fake, easy-to-manipulate person as everybody else they teach.

 

It’s waaay fucking (massively) better now, the relationship between my mother and I than it used to be, and airing this out is therapeutic as fuck, and I feel I can finally let some of this shit on my conscious fucking go.

I didn’t need to hold on to these bullshit resentments for so long inside me, in fear of them getting released, when getting released and being finally fucking let go is the healthiest thing for my well-being and soul and my health and my body (and calming of my overall nerves).

Can we please just fucking burn my old Boy Scout uniform? I still see it in the garage all the time, and I've been wanting to fucking burn it and move on never seeing it ever again in my life. That would be monumentally therapeutic for myself to do.

I don’t know if me and my mother may ever agree or see eye to eye on this issue, and that’s ok. I can move on now that it’s been said, put out there to finally be put to rest in my mind.

 

And i Love you :)

 

 

I’m trying to break down as many of my metaphorical Walls as I can with this list, and that Wall album I really can fucking relate to lol.

 

My Dad’s a goofball who forgets a lot, but is my other best friend. I was closer to him growing up, and now I’d say it’s perfectly even with both my parents, I love them so fucking much.

He's kinda annoyingly obsessed with Hans Zimmer (whose music I like, but his obsession in bringing Hans Zimmer up with every movie we ever watch gets to be a little much), but other than that, he's pretty chill lol

To be fair, the way I'm sick of hearing about how great Hans Zimmer is, he's got to be sick of hearing how great Lord of the Rings is from me by now. I'm sure it's an adjacent kind of annoyance.

 

And i Love you too :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My 2 best friends are my 2 parents, and I have no shame in that. We got each other’s motherfucking back.

 

I’m open to my sister and I becoming closer friends in the future, after all, growing up together we typically were good friends. There were the high school years where I felt she was a bit of a jerk to me, but honestly I was a fucking jerk as a high schooler too, and I feel it’s really just that age when honestly all kids are fucking little assholes and little shits, little brats.

 

And i Love you guys :)

 

 

 

These family things, family matters affect us humans, and our mind and body’s health, our sanity.

I haven't been able to properly process and express these inner thoughts to myself for ages. I therefore couldn't express them to others as well.

 

 

I’m unairing everything, now that I feel my brain can think clearly without a haze surrounding my thoughts constantly, for the first time in ages. It’s as good of a time as any to let it all out. It’s been a big healthy moment of clarity to me about my life’s past, present, and future.

 

This has been fucking thereapuetic for me. Just airing shit out. Damn.

 

I’m glad through healing my nerves I’ve healed more as a person, giving myself the freedom of thought to process this all thoroughly now. Having this moment of clarity after all this time.

I feel like maybe I’ve grown,

maybe just a little…

not too much though…

I don’t want to lose that childlike love for Life and grow up to be a grumpy old fuck too quickly now do I? Nah, I got my life to fucking live, the rest of my life ahead of me.

 

I had become comfortably numb to all of this shit in my life, just used to it and accepting it. My health, my problems. Never fixing shit, just numbing myself to it all. It’s not fucking healthy. A good cry like a little bitch, all alone, writing down your thoughts can be much fucking better.

 

I definitely feel that nonsense “men hold in their thoughts and feelings” bullshit of society often myself. I know it’s stupid but my mind when I was young was geared to think this way. It’s unhealthy and stupid and a waste. Fuck that.

 

I always was dealing with all this nerve problem shit during all of covid, which I’d say was my lowest point in not feeling happy. Around that time I started writing a book, something creative and fun to do, and it made my life much better, writing that 1st book was therapeutic when I needed it’s help the most.

It also kept my mind busy on something else other than my health, and was a productive positive thing for me to work on every day.

 

Everything’s just a lot. Life, every day. I’m not a complainer when I say and think that, it’s just honest. I'd venture a guess that everybody, every human, dealing with their own personal hells feels this way. This helps me relate to my fellow human better.

 

I couldn’t have put together all of these (mostly very personal) thoughts only just a few weeks ago, my mind wasn’t healthy enough and thinking clearly enough for that to have happened yet. I needed to get there with my body feeling good again first, and then my mind came after.

It’s all a part of the machine of the body’s mysterious ways of working.

I fuck with it though, it’s pretty cool actually. How it all works and connects. It’s interesting.

 

I haven’t had a big cry in ages. I’m not used it lol

 

I rarely tell people shit about me, it’s just how I’m wired.

 

I don’t like drinking really. It makes me tired usually (pretty quickly too), and if I drink too much I feel sick, and I don’t like taking something that potentially will make me feel like throwing up. Only an extremely occasional beer, wine, champagne, or hennessy, but even then, it’s in a very small amount, and I get tired and want to go to sleep immediately lol.

 

I feel I don’t really need therapy. I have writing, writing and putting together my thoughts is like a therapy to me, as well as art, and I know I have family and friends I can depend on if I feel the need to talk to somebody else about shit.

I feel like I can handle my own emotional shit though, on my own, that's how I process and deal with shit, putting it together in my own head, and not how someone else is telling me to process my thinking and feelings. I’ve always felt whatever comes my way in life I can handle it. That’s how I feel I’m geared to handle this shit, and it’s a healthy way of me processing my life.

 

Laughing gas has helped me truly hit the: "I don’t care how others feel about me type-shit" on another newer level than I was already at previously. That’s good.

 

This is me.

 

I’ve been skeptical towards anything helping me, since I’ve been moved around to many doctors and specialists over many years, with no noticeable positive change in the root of the problem.

This isn’t a good mindset to be in when approaching getting healthier, although it is an understandable, and I would argue unavoidable mindset, after 7 years of nothing improving my life and health on a significant enough level for me to even notice within my day-to-day life.

 

I love my dogs. They’re pretty cool.

 

This is a lot. Apologies in advance for the gigantic life info dump.

 

Sorry to everyone that’s close to me for being such a distant mf lately. I try, I really fucking do, to break down my fucking walls.

 

I really enjoy both my mother's and my father's company, more and more as life goes on. We become closer, and we're good friends. I know I can depend on them for help when I need it.

 

I’m on occasion feeling the natural urge to be nicer to random people.

Except if they’re acting real cunty to me, then (obviously,) fuck ‘em.

 

Fresh air feels really good.

 

I take forever to wake up in the morning, just in general. Always have. I'm definitely NOT a morning person lol.

 

That previous, very personal family part is extremely and brutally honest. Apologies in advance for feelings probably or possibly being hurt; that’s not the intention. The intention is for me to clearly put into words all aspects of my life that affects my brain’s well being, now that my brain finally feels like it can think more clearly, after so long of not feeling like I could put these thoughts into words, or even know that some of these thoughts existed, or have been festering slowly in my mind for ages. The mind works in really weird fucking ways man.

 

I don’t talk as often as I normally otherwise would, because I feel my brain can’t compute how to properly convey what I’m wanting and trying to say, and my words and thoughts often come out of my mouth not sounding the way that I want them to.

 

That always happens.

 

Also i Joke, and Others often immediately get mad over nothin' constantly.

 

Chill-

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I never talk Anymore, iShut the .... ... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I naturally wonder if and when this whole nerve problem could come back again (possibly if I stop taking the laughing gas), and it could also come back and be worse, and my lack of overall nerve feeling and clear thought may return. But I’m gonna say fuck that shit and live my life to the fullest as long as I can.

 

If I let people know who I am, all parts of who I am, all at once in a giant list of life's crap, there may be no (or at least much less of a) need for me to be so walled-off from everybody, like I always naturally tend to be.

 

I hate it when people specifically point out to me how awkward I am or how weird I’m acting, as if I needed the fucking reminder about being more socially awkward than I’d like to be,

Like thanks yo, I ‘preciate it lmao 😂

That will typically just make me act more awkward than I did before, as my brain gets more confused on how I’m supposed to act “normal”. Whatever the fuck that means. As if there is such a thing as “normal”.

We’re all different human beings who think differently, ideally there really shouldn’t be a “normal” in my opinion, because every human being is different. But whatever, I get people’s impulse to call me out on it all the same, and I don’t hate them or judge them for it.

It typically just makes me feel bad about myself, and makes me want to Wall-off myself from people even more, to make sure I don’t get called out again for acting different than is socially deemed to be “normal”. And me seen by others as a freak or something. That happens more often than I’d like, and I know if I choose to shine instead of hide behind a wall, that my peculiar personality and sense of humor generally is more accepted, and my company people typically seem to really enjoy.

People do generally enjoy my company on the rare occasion that I do feel comfortable opening up to them. Opening up to people is hard for me, and it’s something I feel I’ll continue to struggle and battle with the rest of my life.

But I’m more than up for that life challenge, and I face it with a positive attitude, for the first time in fucking years.

 

This also makes it hard for me to relate in relationships, both friendly or romantic. That’s also something that I struggle with, and with my brain now feeling like it’s functioning properly again, and with me overall feeling really good and happy again, I hope I can improve on opening up more to those I care about in the future.

 

I feel like my friends hardly know who I am nowadays. I always feel the need to keep all of these things buried inside and never expressed or exposed to them, leaving them confused as to who the fuck I even am sometimes anymore. It just makes things worse and is unhealthy for me to do.

I greatly need to work on opening up to those I care about.

 

I feel like I myself have been confused this whole time as to who I am, my cloudy brain not having the thought process necessary for me to even attempt figuring it all out,

But it all feels clear to me now, for the first time maybe ever in my life. Everything I am cannot be expressed in words or in a list, and the same goes for every human, past, present, and future. We are all too complex.

 

If I myself feel like I haven’t known who the fuck I am for years, how could I ever be expected to open up who I am to others in my life? Y’know?

 

It’s made it hard for me to naturally relate to others on a social level,

me always feeling like others will never know anything about me, and who I am, and what my personal hells are that I’ve been going through the last several years.

 

I hate that my health problems my parents just told all of my relatives in great detail, without ever asking me whether or not I wanted this personal information out there in the open (which I definitely fucking don’t.) It’s been no one’s fucking business what I’m going through, and I don’t feel like talking about it when the few that are in-the-know ask me about my health. Don’t fucking ask, and if you do ask then you’ll most likely just get a Wall out of me, and no clear response or answers. It’s none of your business, much like how your own personal issues are yours. If I choose to open up to someone about my health problems on my own terms in my own time, then that’s my decision to make, not anyone elses. I understand this is done by others out of a place of caring and conscern, but it’s out of line of anyone except a doctor to try to pry my personal issues out of me if I don’t feel comfortable or capable of sharing them.

 

This very long list is by far the most I’ve ever felt comfortable opening up about what’s been going on with me, because I now feel the ability to articulate clearly what’s been going on, which I’ve never felt was remotely possible to do until now. This list should satisfy those too-curious parties. Now stop asking. When I feel comfortable to share my life with others, I will. All of you that are all-too-nosey about other peoples’ lives will just have to wait it out until then.

 

Much love to my close friends and family, especially those who’ve been around me often the last 7 years, I appreciate any and everything positive that you bring to my life.

 

This deep soul-searching gets Deep lol 😂.

 

I’ve always felt people knowing more about you means they know how to hurt you, which I suppose is still the hard truth of it all. But if Wall-ing yourself off from every human being isn’t working, and is hurting you as well, opening up completely and entirely seems like the better option.

 

“Outside the Wall” lyrics come to mind:

 

All alone, or in two’s, the ones who really love you,

Walk up and down Outside the Wall..

 

..And when they’ve given you their all, some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy,

Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s Wall.

 

 

That’s what I feel my close ones and loved ones have been forced to do for the last several years, as I’ve struggled to figure things out. That’s not my intention, and I’m sorry for any pain or frustration I’ve caused. I’m certainly very far from perfect, as we all are, y’know?

 

I’ve never layed my heart out there for all to see on a silver fucking platter before. It feels really good and cleansing.

 

Brain Damage & Eclipse by Pink Floyd I also really relate to, their run of albums from Dark Side to The Wall I feel lyrically explore the deeper meanings of life extremely well. It’s deeply moving & powerful, I think that’s why I listen to it so much. After I’ve digested the beautiful instrumentation fully, there’s still more to return to and get out of listening to it for the billionth time.

Also having one of my best friends in my father being a big Floyd nerd, and us listening together often, and my parent’s sharing their love of music and movies and tv shows and art with me, has really benefitted me over the years.

Who else's mother is as cool as mine? She showed me Blazing Saddles when I was 4, and she was the one who introduced me to Game of Thrones when I was a very young teenager. Nobody else’s mom is that cool. No ones.

My dad introduced me to Pink Floyd, and The Terminator, and Quentin Tarantino back in early elementary school, because he knew I could handle it. That’s fucking dope, and I love them for trusting me that early in my life with who I was growing up to be. I never took that for granted. And that trust has positively influenced me greatly throughout my life. I don’t ever want seeds of my own, but if I had a child I know I would do the same for them, and introduce them to adult forms of art and human expression at a very early/young age (that is IF the kid can handle). If the kid can handle it, it's healthy.

 

 

This last week of me writing out this list has been extremely emotional and weighs exhaustingly heavy on me, crying with joy the last 2 nights especially, but it weighs on me in a good, cleansing way. Getting out all of your thoughts and feelings can have this effect.

 

I also think writing this that I’m just exhausted of crying with joy the last (now 3) nights straight, as I have tangibly felt myself figuring out all of and the entirety of my life within a week lol, and being able to finally move forward in my life with a healthy, positive attitude once again. I’ve probably been a pretty negative, grumpy person in reality lately lol. I try not to show it and put on a better attitude around people, so maybe some of you out there who’ve spent time with me lately may or may not realize it,

but I’m also fucking terrible at masking how I really feel, which is ironic given how much I’ve tried to mask that so often the last several years. If I’ve looked visibly unhappy lately around you, it’s not been a facade, that’s been the real me lately, and only the company of those few individuals, whose company I enjoy and who love me as I am, seems to make that fake-mask of mine disappear on the rare occasion,

and those few individuals perhaps even, have given me a genuine moment of happiness here and there, during a decidedly darker chapter of my life. For those moments of happiness you've given me, thank you. I really fucking needed it. I needed to remember that pure joy I used to partake in in life.

And now I’m tearing up again.

I should have told you all thank you a lot sooner. I think I was incapable of even thinking in that way until now.

 

It’s been draining on me crying this much, something I’m not used to doing.

My nose won’t stop fucking sniffling. Fuck.

 

A lot of people out there are really fucking evil, and seek to manipulate and hurt anyone that they can,

and wall-ing myself off from them and therefore also society in general in one stroke always seems to me to be smart in a lot of ways, but yet it’s been terrible on my personal relationships with close ones. It’s difficult for me to find that right balance, and social media’s existence and usage within the world (often in many ways negatively used by assholes) has confused me further on how much I’m comfortable opening up to people. So I tend not to open up at all to anyone, just as a rule, just to play things safe, so no evil assholes take advantage (which they’re always and relentlessly trying to do to everybody, it’s really fucked up how some people go about their lives mainly trying to hurt others, but that's the reality).

 

-

 

Sleep can help recharge the health.

 

Sharing your creativity as a human with someone else is a sacred thing.

 

I just took a nap and it felt really great.

 

I feel like I don’t sleep anymore in an awkward position that leaves me feeling awful throughout the following day, which is how it's been for me for years.

 

I’m excited about a romantic interest I have lately. I have no idea where it’s leading, but I love all the time we’ve spent with each other, and I look forward to where our relationship may go.

 

It seems to me that David Gilmour and Roger Waters of Pink Floyd used to have some sort of a friendship for many years as very young men. Whether they admit it to others or themselves or not, whether they ever admitted it at all in any form. It saddens me seeing how much they strongly don’t like each other anymore. I hope for most of us this isn’t where a friendship’s ups and downs lead to as older men.

They send each other bitter, negative, mean, and uncalled for tweets online lately like school girls often do, and it makes me sad. Plus these tweets don’t get themselves or anyone else to anywhere more positive in life, every time it’s only negative energy being put out into the world. If you don’t like each other fine, don’t talk to each other, move on and let that be the end of it. You've been arguing for 50 years lol.

 

I respect Nick Mason for remaining neutral throughout the years, and I feel that’s the best approach when 2 others you’re cool with are at odds with one another. Roger and David are both grown adults and can handle themselves, they don’t need Nick jumping in and complicating things, probably only for the worse.

 

Roger’s last tour was way too political for my personal music taste, to the point that the music to me personally I felt suffered and took a back seat to politics. Ironically, with the music working less for myself and my dad, the political beliefs came across less strongly and clearly, and it felt like a giant unclear mess of what his political thoughts and beliefs are. I couldn't Understand Most of it, and on Reviewing it as I write this in today's violent Confusing world, on the Violent edge of a sword of violent violence on repeat throughout the years and tears and deaths and Wars and Families torn apart and countless lives lost over and over again for Zero Fucking Good Fucking MotherFucking Reasoning, I think that was probably the fucking point. His beliefs came through stronger, clearer and better to me personally (which is All I am saying, respectfully) on his tours for Us & Them, The Wall, and on his studio albums, both solo & with Pink Floyd. At least he still feels free to speak from his mind and from his heart and soul. I commend anyone and everyone for doing that, it takes courage in this Bullshit World of Violence Over Talking.

 

 

 

 

I Love Freedom of Speech So Very, Very, Very Motherfucking Much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Always. Full Stop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Wall’s their best album lyrically and conceptually. Wish You Were Here is their best album musically, instrumentally and overall. Dark Side was a great balance between those two sides of their music.

 

Our walls have to reach some breaking point, or moment of clarity within ourselves, in order for us to tear them down.

^

Perhaps an honest look, introspection, and judgement of one's self:

 

Pink Floyd's The Trail lyrics come to mind:

"Since my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear,

I sentence you to be exposed before your peers:

Tear down the fucking wall."

 

Keeping yourself wall-ed off from everyone, wearing fake masks of your feelings and emotions to others in public, brings to my mind lyrics of theirs from In The Flesh:

"If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes,

You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise." 😎....

 

Roger Waters came up with the concept for the Wall album, after during the previous Floyd tour a crazy annoying fan was pissing him off, and he spat on the fan that night, and had a deep introspection on himself and who he was afterwards; how he felt like building a wall between himself and everybody else.

I feel that, I often feel like slapping or punching stupid fucking cunty bitchy people I come across in my life. Thankfully, I’m naturally the least violent person ever, so I don’t see this type of thing happening within my life (but all the same assholes, don’t test my fucking patience).

 

I would have loved to have seen Roger Waters’ The Wall show live, more than any other artist’s live musical performance. Alas, I missed it. The movie based on that tour is enough to always move me to tears, imagine actually being there in the audience. How powerful it must have been for them. That’s awesome.

 

I probably think about Pink Floyd’s music way too damn much lately. At the same time, it relates to my life, and my life to the music and messages within, therefore thinking of their music is important in (and to) my life.

It relates to my life, therefore making it important.

 

Friendships that last throughout the years can be and often are complicated. If you love one another though, it’s always worth the effort.

 

I can’t stop crying the last 2 nights writing a lot of this shit. But that’s not a bad thing, not in the slightest. If it drains me physically, I can just take another nap and recharge, especially now that I don’t find myself sleeping in a position that gets me feeling awful when I awake.

 

Really if I have a shitty day, the best thing to do is to listen to music, and/or go to bed and recharge my body, and approach my problems again when I awake, with a fresh mind (brain functioning) and perspective.

 

It's all connected. The brain, our thoughts, our nervous system, our body, our health. Everything.

The way we process our lives. Everything.

 

Try not to be manipulated, and don’t believe everything if not most of the things you read or hear. People by nature are full of their own shit most of the fucking time.

 

Read a good book every now and then, smoke some good weed every now and then.

 

If I’m sleeping alone over the last few years, in order to try and help my brain remember where I am spatially throughout the night and into the morning, I often wear a waist band, arm straps, fingerless gloves, a hat, a neck warmer, assortments of other crap, all to try and help my body keep itself located.

However, on the rare occasion that I have not slept alone these last few years, I don’t feel the need for any of that junk, and my body wakes up the following day feeling good, and knowing where it is spatially.

 

I generally keep my Love life walled off, so that it’s just between me and my partner. I like it that way, and I find it can be a healthy way to have a relationship. Maybe one day I won’t feel the need to wall it off from the outside world and from outside people anymore, but who knows. If that day comes then it comes, if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. It doesn’t really matter at all to me, either way, just as long as it’s whatever feels the most right for us, which is figured out together through communication. After all, it's the business of a person and their partner alone. Everyone else can fuckoff.

 

It’s generally wise to keep lines of communication open with one another, however I don’t owe anyone the time of the day.

If I don’t want to talk with someone, then I don’t have to. I don’t owe anyone any words or dialogue.

 

People go through life believing what they want, and often they can be completely fucking wrong without ever realizing it. Typically they’ll never find out, but you can try to get through to them when you feel like trying to, if you feel it’s even worth the effort of trying, which it can often feel like it isn't.

 

Be aware that your thoughts and opinions can be completely fucking wrong, and try your best to be prepared and be open for other’s opinions changing yours, if what they say isn’t a huge load of rubbish lol.

 

No one has all the answers. There’s no secret cheat sheet that reveals all of the answers to all of your questions you have in life.

 

Intelligence is commendable, as well as wisdom.

 

I used to be really well-spoken before all of this started. Occasionally it’ll come back to me for a conversation here and there, but I haven’t felt my 100% with my words and articulation of my thoughts the last 7 years.

 

I’m trying to get to the point where I finally start trying to organize this list into a way that will make the most sense to others, but I keep adding and adding more and more new thoughts to it. It feels good, having my own thoughts that are super-clear feels good. And I’m finding it hard to stop myself once I get myself started on an intelligent train of thought yet again lol

 

Dating apps fucking suck, jesus christ.

 

Swear, it’s fun. It’s actually (quite literally) harmless. They’re just words. Chill.

 

If I made an extra few hundreds of dollars a month, that would gigantically benefit me and my life.

These beliefs (My beliefs) are an important part of who I am, and therefore, an important part to my brain’s and body’s health.

Dancing to fOnky jams is a great way to relieve stress. Especially if you’re good at dancing, you feel like a million bucks.
My body hasn’t been able to do that as much lately, with my lack of energy and health, and dancing to my highest degree would just make me immediately crash and feel like crap the rest of the day (or two). But now I feel rejuvenated, like I can run or dance for hours no problem 😎.

I hate how society is ok with forcing a little kid at the dentist office to take a drug that helps them, then tells you to grow up not ever using it, even to help with a terrible nerve problem that affects your entire livelihood. They probably won’t even consider offering me the safer oxygen version of the drug.
The doctors instead say “Here! Take this pill (a drug) that won’t fucking work, spend all your money, and time, and patience going to a million doctors, all of which don’t help in any significant way. For 7 fucking years just feel like shit, and hope and pray for a pill to eventually kick in that doesn’t.”
Meanwhile “Don’t use drugs like laughing gas that actually improves your well being. Trust us doctors to heal you. Just give us another paycheck first 😉.”
That hypocrisy drives me mother fucking mad. They make money off of our sickness, they lose money when we are healed, and it’s mind bending just how fucked up that is.
How the fuck is any American supposed to have any faith in America’s health care system? It’s completely Fucked.

I feel every neurologist in the entire fucking country who genuinely cares about people’s health should read this entire fucking list.
No I will not calm down and stop swearing, grow a fucking pair and deal with it. 🖕🏻 Just like I have to deal with all of my nerve problems on a day-to-day basis. There’s far bigger problems in the world to worry about than human beings using the word “fuck” too often.

It reminds me of Apocalypse Now, when Marlon Brando says: “We train young men to drop fire on people, but their commanders won't allow them to write "fuck" on their airplanes, because it's obscene.”
Give me a fucking break society from your bullshit. 🙄
Fuck you.

To be fair, it does seem like my neurologist genuinely cares and wants to help me. That’s great.
I really hope it’s sincere, forgive me for not being certain of anyone’s sincerety in today’s society. The word “fuck” scares people, it’s fucking ridiculous. We’ve pussy-ified all of society, to the point I feel like I’m one of the last surviving genuine people that there is. I hope I’m wrong about that.
Also over these 7 years I’ve naturally grown a bias against doctors. It’s natural, and I feel anyone walking in my shoes the last 7 years would be and feel the exact same way. It’s not positive thinking, but it’s the reality. The reality of a situation is more important than going through your life always being positive about absolutely everything. Understanding the severity of something, of negative forces within our lives that we battle against, can help us overcome those negative forces. Don’t kid yourselves just to live life more positively, in a fake and nicer version of the truth that you create for yourselves to feel better.
Be Sincere in your thoughts, be honest with yourself, even if it’s negative. Your brain is more healthy when being honest with itsself. Trust me.

When did this turn into a pep talk? Lol, my bad, I’m not trying to preach. I’m just venting my frustrations at this point, which is healthy to do.
That felt great getting all of that frustration and anger off of my chest.
See? It’s healthy.

Literally the very first doctor I saw about my health problem, told me that it was probably nothing, and to go home, and if it still bothered me in 6 weeks that I should come back 🙄.
Are you FUCKING kidding me???!!?!!!? Jesus christ.

I strongly relate to 2Pac’s music, ALWAYS saying 100% what he truly felt within his heart. I Really feel and respect that, I’m tearing up now just thinking about it.
No artist within history I feel has ever done that better than he did. Even if you don’t like his music, that’s commendable.
I need to get better at doing that within my own life, this list I’m writing is a good and healthy first step on that path. What in life can hurt you if you’re always remaining true to yourself? You can even die, and that truth of who you are is still there in my opinion. Fuck I’m crying again.
His song with Scarface called Smile is fucking brilliant, brings tears to my eyes.

People generally don’t live that way anymore, social media’s fakeness I feel kills that for most people who try to speak their mind online. It sucks it out of them.
I try not to participate in social media fake shit I see. Most people aren’t sincere anymore, it’s all fake glorified versions of their lives and thoughts. I fucking hate it.

Perfectly natural transition here:

 

Sex. And my sex life:

I’ve watched a lot of porn in my life lol, to the point that only one or two sexual partners of mine I’ve felt have truly sexually satisfied me. That wasn’t smart on my part, but I’ve been lonely romantically 99% of my life, and porn’s been much more dependable than the women in my life (so far 🤞🏻).
Literally most of the women I’ve had sex with, tend to just sit there, not being very active, because sex is a lot of exercise and work. The majority, apart from 1 or 2 women that I’ve been with, think that just “showing up” and looking cute, sitting there hardly doing much is enough for men. It isn’t. Show some exercise and participation for fuck’s sakes. Not to pretend like I always perform perfectly myself, I don’t, but if I’m exhausted doing all of the work, and you’ve hardly moved at all, you’re having sex wrong. And at least I’m always putting in the effort to perform, a lot of women I feel don’t even bother, or frankly even seem to care.
Nobody said that having sex is supposed to be easy work.
If you have skill and talent in sex, then fuck yes! That on top of participation is even better. That’s way hotter and more important to me than physical attractiveness in a woman. I can think of 1 to 2 that I’ve found showed actual skill during sex, and I’ve found they made me climax to a degree that other women have never come close to.
Us men aren’t as easy to please as society would have you believe.
The women in porn Always participate, I thought that would be how sex is in real life, but it isn’t typically, at least not in my experience, not yet.
Participate, jesus christ.

My love life as a whole has been a massive disappointment, generally, with only the briefest of moments here and there where it hasn’t been. I find it hard to relate romantically to others.

Not having good sex is bad for the body and mind’s health. During times where I’m having consistent sex with someone, my body day-to-day feels better. During my dry spells (which is my typical existence) my body feels useless and like crap.
People can run away scared from talking honestly and having an honest conversation about sex (such a scary word!) all that they want, but the factor remains that sex is a factor in a youthful 20-something year-old’s body and mind’s health. My lack of consistent sex I know has negatively affected my health. That’s why sleeping alone feels like shit to me, and sleeping beside someone feels great.
Sexual frustration sucks, and it’s made me act the role of a player most of my life, which I’m really not, and in reality all that I’m looking for is one good woman, with a personality and sense of humor and sex that has good chemistry with mine. That’s literally it.
That requires a level of sincerity within a partner though that I find is hard to get and find nowadays, and thus it’s really difficult for me to get a good love life going for myself. And if and when I do, I typically fuck it up somehow, unintentionally, and our relationship ends in a short manner.

 

 

..Also, in every single pornographic film I've ever seen, the woman Participates. They have to participate, otherwise it would be a worthless lame porno. Who’s going to want to watch a porn film where the “performer” doesn’t perform? Nobody’s going to watch that.
Before ever having sex myself, that’s the only sex I had ever seen. That’s what I expected it would be. It’s not. It’s a letdown generally, except a handful of mind-blowing times, where both participation And skill were both shown.
That’s the sex that my brain connections are telling me that my body is naturally wanting to have on a consistent basis, yet I’ve rarely had (probably less than 7 times total in my entire life). Most women honestly don’t have both, in my experience in life.

Yet there are women who exist out there who show both participation and talent. They do exist. The sex is incredible, and that’s what I’m in search of. I believe I could find it on a more consistent basis one day, and I’m patient. I’ll keep looking for that relationship.

Ladies: in the bedroom, just participate. It goes miles with your lover.

..Also, how do I tell a woman that I generally like, that her pussy is loose and incredibly dry all of the time, and that it hurts my dick how dry it is? And I can’t keep applying lube every 3 damn minutes, it immediately stops the nerve impulse in my brain necessary in order for me to finish the fucking job! Fuck. I fucked all night and we haven’t finished once!! And my dick’s swollen and gross and raw and looks like a fucking goblin the next day…

How do you tell a woman this? That’s a skill I have yet to figure out.

This is what I’m saying. Man. Like c’mon🙄 Sex on average is SUPPOSED to be better than this you guys, it just has to be.
-Participation, then maybe (just some, just a little, developed more as you grow chemistry with both one another:)
-Talent if you have any.
And that’s it. That’s all it takes folks.

This rarely occurs. 🙄

I don’t think it’s a case of porn making me have unrealistic expectations, I believe it’s more likely the case of porn giving me better standards. Participation and maybe some of the occasional talent is not much to ask for ladies. It’s just not.

This likely leads many men of our generation away from wanting certain woman, let’s say, I don’t know..
A guy isn’t interested in a woman because she looks “ugly”.

—Also, I’m willing to venture that plenty other of men in my age group watched porn before they started having sex, and the average male of this day and age I’m guessing has these same 2 standards of “participation” and “maybe some talent”, through subconscious wirings of their brains.—

In reality, good looks are really the 3rd most important thing within a woman’s sexual attraction, after participation and talent. Good looks are only 3rd, when most see sexual attraction as “good looks is the number 1 important thing”, which it’s not.

This is all unhealthy shit for society,

Therefore,
I hereby declare, in order to form a more perfect union between people of all sexes, I hereby declare that men need to accept that ugly people can still possibly fuck you great
And the women who aren’t already, then need to desperately start participating, and maybe trying to build talent and skill in the bedroom.
Guys should Always strive to do this as well, obviously (this all should really go without me saying, or so I thought). Us guys need to participate and strive for building skill and talent as well.
Everybody. Everyone.


And that’s it, that’s how we all as a society all have great sex all of the time. And with the whole world having great sex all of the time, there will be no time for war, no one will be shooting at each other, world peace and world hunger shall be solved and achieved, and we’ll all get our Fuck on.

I just solved all of the world’s problems, you’re welcome.

I think so much better, more creatively when my nervous system works. Also, I just smoked weed, and it just took me on a ride through this whole crazy tangent that I wouldn’t have probably otherwise come up with.
It was therefore a smart decision me smoking some weed tonight. (An evil “drug”! Oh no! How awful!)

My weed high might’ve just solved world peace. Do you see that? A “drug” being a positive thing, marijuana solving everything.
There it is.

Lmfao. 😂

Goodnight!



(There is someone I know personally, and that I have spent some time with physically, who actually matches all 3 of these (participation, talent, And good looks, (all 3! Holy shit, you see! These women do exist! I hit the fucking Jackpot! 😂), and that I still have a great and positive relationship with, and I hope to spend more time with in the future :)

Maybe all of this bullshit sexual frustration of mine will finally go away. One day, I hope, I’ll keep searching for it :)

 

 

 

Pink Floyd's "Young Lust" lyrics come to mind:

"Ooh, I need a dirty woman. Ooh, I need a dirty gal.

Will some woman in this desert land

Make me feel like a real man?

Take this rock n roll refugee

Ooh baby, set me free."

 

Your sex life I've always felt until now should be personal. Fuck. As I write this, I question whether or not I can break down that wall of mine at this point in time. We’ll see if this section stays in (I hope it does), that’s hard for me to share, just by nature, wanting to keep my sex life private.

Be honest with yourselves about sex and other shit folks, it’s healthier.

Here I go preaching again, my bad.

Like George Carlin said about people’s nonstop bullshitting and diluting down of rational thinking and logic: “It’s all bullshit folks, and it’s bad for ya.”
There was a man who felt free to speak his fucking mind. Respect. 🫡

We get so caught up in the bullshit and lies and covering-ups and insincerity and fakeness that people and society throws our ways, that we as a human race forget actual Reality. I hate that. I really, really do.

That was some real fucking talk just now, that I feel most men don’t have the nuts to open up about. Appreciate the rarity of real talk in today’s world when you hear or come across it. It’s rarer and rarer as time goes on.

I got to do this more, be as real as I possibly can be, have real and meaningful conversations and dialogue, try to be true to who I am as much as I can be. I feel that’s generally been extremely hard for me to do that in today’s world (especially when I haven’t been able to clearly put together thoughts for 7 years), but I just gotta go for it. It’ll make my thought processes stronger and my overall health better.
Me just being me, no bullshit.

I just took a big sigh of relief. Hell yeah.
That felt good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Circling back here now to much earlier in this list:

 

Thoughts as they come through my white man’s mind, occasionally will have the n-word in them, most primarily and prominently when I’m thinking of a beautiful hip hop song that I love.

If I were to have a thought where the n-word showed up, I wouldn’t feel that I'd want to share that thought with anyone, and out of all and any thoughts that come across my mind, these are personally the ones I wouldn’t have the want to probably share. One day I might hit full “fuck it”, and on that day, every thought in my brain I will feel fully comfortable with sharing with everybody. And I’ll feel I’ve given myself full freedom of speech. I doubt that day will ever come, for most human beings it never does. Society BEATS FREEDOM of speech out of Most, with the exception being Most Comedians and Rappers (who Face Violence Consistantly For Their Speech in Today's Violent World). It’s actually a positive thing if a human being reaches a point where they feel Free and unafraid to share every single thought that they ever have. I thought that this was an ideal that most rational Americans were supposed to believe in, in the freedom to say whatsever is on our minds. I am very much someone who deeply in their heart champions the freedom of speech for every human being everywhere.
For most human beings (particularly lately) they never remotely come close to a time like that in their lives, where they feel free to share 100% all of their thoughts with others. I feel people are less “real” when they speak, as time for us humans continues on. I feel I come closer to giving myself that 100% freedom of expression (particularly with this list here being created, and being comfortable showing it and sharing it with others) than most human beings will ever get. I’m trying my best through this list to express as many thoughts of mine as I’m comfortable with sharing; and rereading this list, I feel I’ve done a better job sharing my thoughts than most people throughout their entire lives will come close to doing (unfortunately). I continue to fight to break down my walls, to hopefully share my thoughts more fully and more honestly as my life continues to go on.


I can’t help a thought coming across my head. My brain thinking of a sentence with a word in it is made subconsciously, without me asking my brain to think this way or to come up with this thought. That’s not how thought processing within the body works.
Within this particular Context, I don’t believe these thoughts (that are my own, as a white man’s brain) to be racist in the slightest. It surprises me myself, that I myself can think the n-word within a thought, as a white-as-fuck guy who loves LOADS of white-dad Rock, that grew up in a predominantly white town, that I can have a thought with the n-word within it, and that I don’t believe that thought (as someone who believes himself to have extremely rational thinking) to be racist. By now white people within my age group have had a different experience than the white people like me (someone who doesn’t believe himself to be racist or hateful) 30 years or farther ago would have had with this exact same word. It truly is different times that we live in, whether you like it or not, it’s true. That word has changed within our human history, to the point that that word is a stamp within a lot of humanity’s greatest Art and positivity within the last 30 years. Many of our greatest artists have made incredible music, or movies, or books, or art of any kind, using it.
And you reading this don’t have to like this fact that this word is this way within this time in our human history. I don’t entirely know how to think about it myself, because as a white guy who will never be able to fully understand what it’s like walking a day in a black man’s shoes in America today, let alone a black man during the times of slavery, how could I possibly ever know totally what to think about this time in the word’s history? None of us white people will ever understand that fully, and there’s nothing we can do to change that. All we can do as white people is to try to connect with our fellow humans of different races, and hear their thoughts and opinions, and try to respect and love one another. That’s it.

My mother hates any and every usage of the n-word, and I respect that opinion. Her grandma called her nurse woman at the nursing home the n-word all of the time, seeing nothing wrong with doing that, and my mother was privy to her grandma doing this all of the time. My mother would tell her to stop, and my great grandmother’s response to her would be: “Why? That’s what they are. They’re niggers.”
Having seen her grandma act this way, my mother will always believe that that word should never be used again by anyone, ever. I respect that opinion highly. Of course, the irony within her telling me this story is, that within my mother telling me this story in full plain thought, my mother has therefore just used the n-word one time out loud, in order to do this story of whom my great grandmother really was proper justice and context (no bullshitting or covering up the brutal, raw truth (I respect that)), so that I can see how much of a truly fucked up story this really is, and my body can feel my nerves’ negative reaction of hearing this fucked-up story in its full entirety. I’m glad my white mother just used the n-word out loud to tell me truthfully this human story, and I’m not a fucking idiot who thinks my mother is “automatically” racist by default for having said a fucking word. The CONTEXT of my mother telling me an important story is what matters, not the fact that the word itself has been used.

Anyways, my mother is a woman who strongly hates this word in any context, and I understand where she would rationally come to this belief, and it is I believe a rational belief for a human being to have, and therefore I respect her for that, and I respect her opinion.
However,
In the reality of my generation, it’s impossible to have this word “forever disappear, never to be used again by anyone”, like my mother and many like-minded people like her would like to see happen. The complete disappearance altogether of the word. It’s never going to happen. It’s just not. It’s impossible, whether a person chooses to like that fact or not.

My generation has grown up always 100% knowing this fact, that this word will always be around, it will always be used by somebody, by someone throughout history by this point in the word’s history, it will always be here, as a stain on the human race for our American white ancestors’ monumental, fucked-up, massive mistake of black slavery. An important reminder of it even. And this word will continue to put many people (rightfully so) on edge.
Whether you believe that to be for the better or for the worse, that’s how it all is. It’s here to stay.

I myself believe it to be a part of a greater good thing, that my generation of white boys like to listen to rap, a black art form, and we listen to the black artist’s opinions, and we listen to what their thoughts are, and we learn from this beautiful music more about another culture, we consume beautiful art, and black artists get many white fans who pay them for their beautiful art, and it is all around a very extremely positive thing for humanity. It’s healing. Fucking finally, some actual genuine healing between white and black people. Thank you hip hop ❤️

My generation of white boys who listen to rap (which is many, MANY of us in my generation, trust me: White boys love rap, we grew up with Eminem, 50 Cent, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z, Akon, and Lil Jon introducing ALL OF US to it.),
We younger people don’t have the same experience with the n-word and its usage as previous generations have had, not at this point in human history. Think of that fact however you will, it’s the truth. And the truth is important.
However,
A perfectly rational argument can (and in its defense, can be much easier) made for the other side, that the word shouldn’t be in our society anymore. I understand both opinions, that it should and shouldn’t still be used.
However, my generation by default of growing up in the time in history that we did, we all subconsciously (without probably even thinking about it all that much) understand that this word is here to stay.

Since that’s the case, a positive thing can come out of it: white people can listen to rap, a black art form, and listen to the black artist’s opinions, and listen to what their thoughts are, and learn from this beautiful music more about another culture, and consume beautiful art, and we can pay black artists for their beautiful art.
This does happen very often, music transcends race, and it’s an all around and very extremely positive thing for humanity.

And for fuck’s sakes, it certainly beats how white people have treated black people for the rest of our 2 peoples’ previous histories with one another.


I believe a racist to be someone who doesn’t see another race as equal. I strongly don’t believe this to be true in the fucking slightest, and believe I don’t have any racism in my heart.
Therefore, me having a thought with the n-word within it, I don’t believe is an automatically racist thing for a white person to think. Not necessarily. It used to be, but not anymore. My mother can say it in that story’s context and she isn’t an automatic racist for saying that thought out loud. When a black person enjoys saying the n-word often, I don’t see it as a racist thing, no one in my generation does. Literally NO ONE. That’s just the times we live in, regardless of whether someone likes it or not, that’s the reality. The context of the word’s usage, and the nuance of where that thought came from is the more important question in determining possible bigotry within a thought, Moreso than just the simple fact of a specific word having or having not been used within the thought.
That word’s just a part of how the history of the world has developed and unfolded, and lately specifically in the instance of the white youth of America having started to love hip hop music (which is a good thing for humanity, white and black and everyone else too, white boys (and white girls too) loving hip hop).
Our words are our expression of our thoughts, and when I hear a white person say the n-word (ie having a thought expressed with that word being used), what my natural nerve system is asking my brain is:
What is the Context, what is the Nuance of its usage.

It isn’t by default racist.
For another example Mel Brooks wasn’t a racist for creating the film Blazing Saddles. As well as, the context of the word being used within that film doesn’t make the white actors in that film who use that word racist.
Yet society has made it that a film like that (which is literally an ANTI-RACISM FILM with a POSITIVE MESSAGE) will probably never be allowed to be made ever again. We’ve cut off giving artists full freedom of speech, freedom of art, freedom of thought, freedom of expression. How are so many adults of today this fucking stupid to do this? Were you all dropped as children or something? Wtf? THINK. Just THINK. RATIONALIZE. Fuck me. 🙄

 

DID WE EVEN WATCH THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE?!?!?

OR ARE YOU JUST THAT FUCKING STUPID?!?
^
If I had to venture a guess, my guess is it’s this second one.

You’re too stupid to understand “high art” of the human experience on ANY fucking level,

And therefore,

Shouldn’t even bother with any art that could possibly question Thoughts or Opinions of yours.

You might just be too fucking stupid to comprehend anything at this point in your life.

 

 

 

STOP BEING SO EASILY OFFENDED by Hip Hop y'all, as a HUMAN BEING!...

 

 

...AS a Human Being Art Form.

 

If you SEE BLACK PEOPLE AS EQUAL, WHAT ARE SO MANY WHITE PARENTS and Politicians of America OFFENDED BY???

 

 

WHY! 🙄.

 

My Mother Loves Blazing Saddles and The Producers (Springtime For ....), yet will get annoyed by me listening to (Most of my Favorite) Hip Hop Songs Around her that has "naughty", "offensive", "vulgar", "improper language". 🙄.

 

As if Human History Doesn't EXIST????

 

Black Artists Are Making Something Positive Out Of All Of The Negative Of Generations and Generations and Generations Upon Generations Upon Generations of COME ON NOW!!!!

 

figures....

 

and STOP KILLING BLACK PEOPLE AMERICA! THIS IS FUCKING STUPID!!!.

 

 

ALLOW FOR FREEDOM OF SPEECH INSTEAD (Stop Banning 2 Live Crew's "FREEDOM" OF SPEECH from America, AMERICA!!!)

 

Hip Hop's Just Exposing This Shit to the rest of the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I'm Just Playing America, you Know i Love you :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And i Love you :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And i Love you:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like Ice-T said: “Freedom of Speech” (Just Watch What You Say).

 

 

 

 

 

“Freedom of Speech” (Just Watch What You Say).

^That’s how humanity in today’s day and age typically operates, and it’s Wrong to do so.

“We are only as free as we allow our artists to be.”
Somebody said that once, I forgot who.

And I don’t see it as a racist thought that I’ve had, or as a terrible bad thing for me to have thought. I see that as a good thing actually. It’s actually legitimate literal Evidence of the healing of the two cultures: white people, who throughout history have loved enslaving black people. Now healing, through music that both of our races love. That’s beautiful, and should be celebrated, not discouraged.

 

MUSIC TRANSCENDS RACE.

It’s healing for our 2 people, and we need that. It’s positive, it’s a good thing.
Understanding CONTEXT and NUANCE are the most important factors, when considering someone’s usage of language deemed to be “vulgar”, “improper”, “innapropriate”, “racist”, or anything else.

Context and nuance are two of the things I feel humanity as a whole are the WORST at doing at this point in its history. Everyone on social media wants to call out someone else for not being “proper” enough, not having their thoughts and not living their lives to fit into somebody else’s bullshit “higher” standards, or someone saying the wrong thing, or making a mistake in their life,
As if we aren’t all fucking HUMANS WHO MAKE MISTAKES, HUMANS WHO ARE IMPERFECT, WHO AREN’T AS PERFECT AS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HIMSELF.

And I’m Jewish saying that, so is the context and nuance of how I used that last “Christ” statement enough to get me cancelled forever? Should I get cancelled for the rest of my life? Do I deserve that punishment over just a fucking SENTENCE. Just a fucking THOUGHT. Do we truly have freedom of speech anymore if this is true? Was that sentence too improper for your own personal tastes? If so, does that mean I shouldn’t exist within society at all according to you?
And who the fuck are you anyway? A regular fucking human being just like everybody else. Just like the rest of us.
What makes you so entitled to judge me? Fucking nothing.
Fuck you.

Public: you all as a whole decide this shit, and you’ve been choosing wrong since social media became huge. It’s sickening, and another factor in why I generally never post anything on social media, and keep to myself, and build a wall to block me out as much as possible from society.
I feel I can’t be an imperfect, always trying to learn and grow, regular human being. Society (through cancelling) is telling my brain that I’m no longer entitled fully to my own opinions and thoughts in public. And that I can’t be one that tells people honestly anything that comes to my mind (ie FREEDOM OF FUCKING SPEECH). Not nowadays.
Before social media that never happened to me, and humanity as a whole was generally all the better for it.

 

Now my generation is on average a bunch of pussies and dicks, who get offended by ...

Social media sometimes is and can be used to do a lot of great, wonderful, and beautiful things, and I hope social media improves on its negative aspects in the future. If we all as a people can just take a fucking chill pill, and not feel it’s our duty to “cancel from all of society” and Judge Anyone and EVERYONE we disagree with, or we feel speaks “out of turn” or “distastefully”.
No one thinks EXACTLY like anyone else that has existed, does exist, or ever will exist. We all have different opinions, and that should be a beautiful and celebrated thing. I feel that that fact we humans understood (for the most part at least), at one point, pre social media. I think a lot of humans have forgotten that over the last 5-10 years, but subconsciously, I do believe many do agree with me on this, which I believe to be a good thing. NOTHING should make us as humans impulsively automatically lash out on social media against every and any one that we’ve ever had a disagreement with, or differing opinions on.

Freedom to speak freely is healthy for the nervous system. Our bodies all naturally have this wanting (the nerve’s tell our brain this) to be able to be free to express ourselves through free speech and thought, and so cutting ourselves off from this freedom is quite literally negative to our body’s health.

These are complex issues of my time, which is why it took me so many words for my thought process to iron this all out properly, and to have it be with the proper wording for the thoughts and beliefs that I am wanting to get across coming across properly, and the way that I am wanting them to. Fuck, that was a lot.

Big sigh.



Anyways, moving on,

I feel like right now I can express things more clearly than possibly a large majority of human beings on the planet right now. My brain is REALLY working well right now you guys, and it’s crazy how good it feels. I feel free, I love this “hyper-charged” feeling of thought processing, like it’s on over-drive, making up for the last 7 years that my body’s thought-processing was very, very weak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As another random tangent, I told my medical-field parents about my hurt (possibly broken? strained?) toe, and they told me the best thing to do is just take it easy,
They said if I were to go to a doctor, that the doctor wouldn’t really be able to do much for me, except give me some tape to tape the toe to another toe, and send me home.
This lack of a doctor being able to help a medical problen of mine naturally doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.
With all of the shit that I’ve been through lately, I honestly feel the human race as a whole doesn’t have the slightest clue on how to heal the human body properly, and how the body as a machine works, and what the hell they’re doing.
If they did, perhaps I wouldn’t have been dealing with this since 2017, with no perceivable hope in site of “improvement”. No wonder so many people have fucked-up health issues that never get resolved.

..So that’s what I’ve been doing, trying to take it easy on my toe. It still doesn’t feel great, but a doctor’s not really gonna help me with it, and I’m not surprised in the slightest with that reality.
I have faith that my body on its own will naturally heal my toe over time. I’ll be patient with it.

I feel like through this list I’m getting off of my chest everything I’ve needed to say in the last several years, but haven’t had the healthy enough thought processes to properly express, even to myself.
If you try to follow up with me on something on this list, and I feel absolutely zero need to elaborate or clarify, don’t be surprised. I’ve thoroughly (and most-likely successfully) attempted to cover everything I’ve felt the need to say.

I’m really proud of the fucked-up comedy book that I wrote. To anyone who has the slightest interest, I’m always more than happy to read it to them. It’s really fun for me to do, and those who I’ve read it to seem to find it funny and enjoy it.

Do you think I’m oversharing? Person reading this? See if I give a fuck.

I love that word, I’m telling ya. It’s so underappreciated, and it’s hated on pointlessly. It’s just a word.

Am I the only one who grew up with “sticks and stones may break my bones BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME”???!?!?
Why is everyone, including fully grown adults, so afraid of freedom of speech and speaking freely lately? Are they afraid of getting cancelled? Are they afraid people won’t like the realler, more-honest version of them? It doesn’t help to not speak your honest mind, especially to yourself and your own healthy way of thinking. I should know, I’ve hardly ever talked to people for 7 fucking years lol, I’ve had it. Fuck that shit. This is my personality, these are my words and thoughts. Cancel me bitch, go ahead and do it. 🖕🏻
Fuck you, fuckoff. Eat a dick.

See? It’s fun. Colorful language is a good and positive thing, and can be an excellent stress reliever, which we all need. Forreal. I feel so much less stress on my chest after writing this shit.

Rappers are some of the few people left on this earth who typically feel free to properly express themselves, and it’s no wonder to me that that reallness has led to hip hop being the juggernaut genre that it is. People feel that reallness, they relate to it. I know I do. Relating to other humans is such a great, beautiful, and positive thing, and we’d have so much more of it in this world if more people felt free to fully speak their minds, freely. If you’re a real mf, then this should be possible for you to do.
Even at my times where I don’t speak often to people, the rare times that I do speak, I’m doing my damnedest to speak real, logically, and from the heart and mind. That’s what I strive to achieve within my words, and I love words. I love communication and the freedom of speech, it’s a beautiful thing. Exercise that.

Here I go being preachy yet again, sorry, this last section here I’ve written has certainly been one of the more agressive days of me writing this shit, I think I’ve just properly hit “fuck it” at this point, that’s all.

I’m really a nice guy, or I try my best to be, I promise :)

I can be a dick too though when I want to be, lol. Don’t test me.

We all have our days of anger, of sadness, of happiness, it all comes and goes, and our brain should process it all,
I haven’t processed my angers properly in ages, so that’s what this last section has mostly been. It’s a healthy release for me to get it out of my system, fucking finally. Thank god.
If I haven’t properly processed thoughts of mine in the past, and words of mine came out wrong, and I hurt anyone close to me, I apologize. That was never my intent, and I’m far from perfect. But I’m trying to be better, one day at a time.

Here I go crying again lol 🙄😂.

Anyways, I’ve dragged out this list long enough, it’s time to end it.

If you’re still reading all of this, you have the patience of a saint lol. I appreciate your time, I hope it feels well spent.

Writing and showing other humans this list I feel is one of the bravest things I’ve ever done. I’m proud of myself.
Way to go me 👍🏻

Time for another nap, I’m exhausted.

Peace.


-



A few final thoughts I'm having:

Many, many walls of mine have been broken down this past week. It feels good. 🥹

People can relate to movies such as Purple Rain or 8 Mile, where against all odds, against all the bullshit, an artist fucking rocks it.
I relate to that a lot.

“Drug” we are taught growing up is one of the English language’s scariest of all words. Along with the words “fuck”, “sex”, “responsibility”, and “commitment”.
My brain’s no Longer scared of JackSHIT.

Truth bombs scare people, it exposes the lies that they believe in and live by.

My body hasn’t been able to interpret feeling hot vs feeling cold as correctly as it should.
However, hot showers feel good on my muscles, and cold showers feel good on my nerves (it wakes them up slightly I feel)
Therefore, I take hot showers, and then for 1-2 minutes before I step out of the shower, I make it really cold for a bit, then step out. This seems to slightly help.

Massages help my body feel good. I’m trying to get massages covered by my health insurance, but I haven’t had that successful at the moment (figures, not surprised).

I think it’s bullshit the amount of money I have in an account, that I can’t take and use now (even though it would really fucking help me), and that I will have to wait until I’m 60 fucking 5 to try and take any money out of it without a humongous humongous humongous deduction.
Just another way I feel of society fucking me over, leaving me broke and feeling like shit, hoping that when I’m 60 fucking 6 I can actually start living my life properly.
Fuck that.

 

As if anybody's even fucking Guaranteed to even fucking Make it to 65!!!

 

 

WTF????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Y'all DO Realize Y'all AIN'T Promised Tomorrow Right?????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This all gets very emotional by the end, in a good, healing way.

My mindset and the way I think, and my beliefs, are all important to my health. I’ve never realized just how much.

Stop being artificial, being superficial people. It's unhealthy. It's bullshit folks, and it's bad for ya.

 

Anyways,

This is the best shit I’ve ever written I feel, at least so far in my life. It’s very serious, and yet it still has my trademark sense of humor throughout it, which I’m proud of, and makes the serious parts more digestible.

Feeling good and feeling healthy has made my creative work better and more brutally honest than I ever thought it could be, than I ever thought I had the ability to.

 

 

I'm happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Life has these ups and downs:

 

 

Me not having had laughing gas in a few days is now giving me headaches. I feel like my spatial confusion is slightly returning. And my head hurts just thinking about it. Also I just got done with another “tears of joy” moment, and crying can give me a headache as well.

I feel like my head’s starting to feel fuzzy about where my body is yet again. Fuck.

 

But it’s ok. I’m used to it. I can handle it. And I’m going to fight back against that motherfucker as long as I live.

 

SOOoo…, to anyone still reading this; that’s it. That’s my life.

 

 

...On the following day of me writing this, I come across this scary thought:

 

I feel it coming back, that lack of feeling inside of myself.

 

“Is this where we came in?” (a one last “Wall”’s “repitition in life” reference, that only the most die hard Floyd fans might possibly understand, for good measure (cuz I couldn’t resist, lol)).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PART C: Yet an even HIGHER UNDERSTANDING of how my brain calculates all of my life experiences that I have experienced thus far:

 

THIS IS A MASSIVELY CONDENSED VERSION OF THE MAMMOTH WRITINGS THAT IZ PART C fyi.

 

 

 

 

Part C is the Longest By Far, these are Simply some of the writings I personally Most wanted to Share with y'all, as I continue every day with my Compiling and Proofreading of....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part C:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have now told my 2 closest people in my life (my mom and my dad) about ALL of Part A and Part B. I cried really hard and told them who I've been the last 7 years, and it was beautiful to get ALL of that off of my chest.

 

Thank God.

 

 

Later on during that night, alone hangin' out, I started the writing of

 

Part C.

 

Here it is:

 

 

 

 

 

Nighttime, April 10th, 2024:

 

 

 

It seems to me most of the people I have met within my lifetime are scared to talk about at least one of these issues within this giant list of mine.

 

I hope I no longer am. My ideal scenario is never to feel afraid to talk about ANY topic. ANY Thought of mine. EVER.

That is the end goal. That is the end goal that I suspect will probably always be out of my reach, but it is what I will strive to achieve every single day of my life from this day forward.

 

I can feel I have a much better chance of that becoming a reality now,

^

And my nervous system writing that previous sentence (on the night After I showed my 2 parents this (them being the first 2 people I trusted to read this list of my thoughts)) just felt a MASSIVE nerve “click” to the brain, and I just took a GIGANTIC sigh of relief.

 

Let’s fucking go Future Life of mine. Let’s fucking GO!!!!

 

“Tear down the Wall!”

“Tear down the Wall!”

“Tear down the Wall!”

“Tear down the Wall!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel posting this list online means literally no one can hurt my anymore. I’m free.

 

Finally. 🙌🏻

 

Fuck yes.

 

Thank you weed.

Thank you laughing gas.

Thank you family.

Thank you loved ones. You know who you are ❤️

 

I feel good, I’m so fucking happy I’m crying again.

 

 

 

Spirits lifted.

 

 

A big sigh of relief.

 

My body is opening up again I can feel, and for now the nightmare of my health problem is over.

 

I’m going to kick ass as a human as long as I mother fucking can 🤘🏻.

 

I’m tearing again with joy.

 

My life’s back baby.

 

This list is the ONLY thing I’ve worked on in several days, and yet it’s been the most productive and well-utilized week of my life.

 

I love it.

 

The power of words man. Language, I love it.

 

Let’s as a species keep those lines of communication between one another open.

It’s always worth it, and the alternative (which is building a wall around ourselves to stop all or some of our communication) is not the answer.

 

I should know.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

More art is good for humanity, it connects us all. Sharing it with one another.

 

That’s the secret.

 

And that’s under attack EVERY TIME Freedom of Speech is attacked, in particular when that attack is against our species’s artists.

 

Never attack Freedom of Speech.

 

And Violence is NEVER the way.

 

When humans start a war with one another, it’s because they stopped talking and started violence. That is ALWAYS the case and has been the same with EVERY war our human species has EVER FOUGHT. Yet MOST humans don’t seem to naturally understand this within their brains!!!!! It’s ridiculous!!!!

 

AM I THE ONLY ONE LEFT ON THIS PLANET WITH RATIONAL THINKING??????

 

 

IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?????????????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

^“Pink Floyd’s The Wall” reference again Ma 😉😘 

 

 

I’m wiser now than I was two weeks ago. I see Judgemental mistakes in my past that I need to correct today (now that my brain understands this and has had this thought run through it).

 

Who the fuck am I to judge anyone? I myself am an asshole, who swears way too fucking much, and is too fucking “politically incorrect” (whatever the fuck THAT means) for today’s society at the moment.

Who the fuck am I to judge anyone?

 

I see clearly this week that humans as a people should automatically be WAY less judgemental, NOT knowing what it’s like to walk inside of ANYBODY else’s shoes for all of their lives.

 

That’s unfair to do. As a people, every human should just naturally expect that EVERYONE who goes through life is dealing with all of their own personal hells that NO ONE but them has a perfect (or typically even Remote) understanding of.

 

Don’t judge them.

 

Who the fuck are you?

 

 

 

I’m trying to open up more. I typically feel it is easiest to first open up to my closest of my closest loved ones (my mom and my dad especially). That’s generally an extremely good first step within me feeling comfortable in opening up my thoughts to the rest of the world.

 

 

This note taking weed-journey that I’ve taken on this night is great. It's the First night of me sharing with ANYONE (my mom and my dad) this Massive list I am writing, and it took me 3 hours to do that today, and there was much, much “good” crying, mostly me being the one who’s doing it lol 😂

 

 

 

 

April 11th, 2024, 6:40 AM:

 

 

As a human being, you HAVE to let these sort of things out, and NOT hold them in, being afraid to speak your mind freely, and afraid of hurting feelings.

Because if you don’t,

The issue or issues will ONLY get worse until you release them (after your brain first properly expresses to Yourself honestly this issue, which is the first step somebody must take (understanding and comprehending what that truth is within yourselves and your own brain)).

 

 

The truth will set you free.

 

We all don’t solve ANYTHING Quite Often, because we’re afraid of not being POLITE. It’s fucking INSANE we humans do this stupid shit!!! MYSELF INCLUDED!!!!

 

We'd rather be POLITE and get NOTHING DONE, and never GROW, and never IMPROVE.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

I hope my mother, father, and sister feel that they can be 100% HONEST WITH ME ABOUT literally ANYTHING, because the truth of the matter is,

 

They can. With absolutely zero judgement out of me :)

 

^

From this day forward I solemnly swear this to be true.

 

 

 

I love others being Honest with me, and the more I open up about hard truths that I feel the need myself to share, the more others in my life (particularly those that I care about and love) might just feel free to be more open and honest with me, and like they can tell me anything.

 

 

 

Y'all Can, No Judgement, i promise, and i Love You :).

 

 

 

-

 

 

April 11, 2024, 8:44 AM

 

 

After this list that I have decided I am comfortable with sharing with/exposing to the outside world (that I within my own natural timing have decided I am comfortable with, when I have chosen that I feel comfortable in doing so)

 

Why would I bother faking anything remotely to anyone (faking who I am) at any later point in time within my life, from here on outward within my lifetime?

^

Due to this fact being the Honest reality of my situation that I find myself in, I now feel like I can finally be my Full Self again. For the first time in ages.

 

That feels good.

 

Being myself feels good. Feeling Free to be myself feels good.

Fuck yes it does.

 

How is the word “fuck” logically and rationally offensive to ANYONE in this previous sentence? It shouldn’t be. It is not the word itself that is “offensive” in and of itself, what matters in REALITY is the CONTEXT of how words are being used.

 

For instance, I could say “Mom, that steak you cooked for me last night was fucking delicious!”

 

There is NOTHING AT ALL WHATSOEVER “Offensive” WITHIN THAT PREVIOUS SENTENCE.

 

 

HOWEVER,

 

I COULD say to someone “I think you are lower than the lowest trash of the Earth, a minute gross despicable spec upon the history of all of humanity. I believe you should never have been born. Your mother and your father should have used better protection on the night that they conceived you.”

 

 

Now THOSE sentences (with ZERO society-deemed, officially-licensed “Offensive” or “Naughty” words) is a pretty mean and offensive thing to tell another human being, due to the CONTEXT of how those words were put together.

 

THEREFORE:

 

The word “fuck”, and the word “shit”, and the word “bitch” and the word “ass”

 

And EVERY OTHER WORD IN EXISTENCE IN EVERY FUCKING LANGUAGE

 

Are not INHERENTLY “offensive”, or “naughty”, or wrong to say or think.

 

 

So WHY IN THE FUCK DOES THE WORD “FUCK” STILL GET EDITED OUT OF EVERYTHING!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

 

This is why I have (to my health’s TERRIBLE detriment) WALLED MYSELF OFF FROM ALL OF YOU ALL OF THE TIME, WHO CAN’T SEEM TO COMPREHEND THIS BASIC OBVIOUS SHIT!!!!

 

FUCK!!!!!!!

 

THINK!!! It ain’t illegal yet!!!

 

Just THINK! FOR ONE GODDAMN SECOND, THINK!!!!

 

 

And guess what folks:

 

The more we as a society feel free to freely use words like “fuck” or “shit” without them being edited (after all, we’re SUPPOSED to have FREEDOM OF FUCKING SPEECH EVERYWHERE in the U.S.),

 

Then the less power those words HAVE and HOLD OVER us as human beings!

 

WE humans control OUR words and language, NOT the other way around.

 

As a society, being “scared” of words like “fuck” to be heard, is a simple WORD CONTROLLING how us humans think!! It’s fucking INSANE THAT HUMANS DO THIS TO THEMSELVES, AND TO THE REST OF US HUMANS WHO DON'T HAVE THIS FUCKING WAY OF THINKING, AND WHO ACTUALLY VALUE AND WANT LEGITIMATELY OUR MUCH-NEEDED RIGHT TO THE FREEDOM OF FUCKING SPEECH!!!!!

 

FUCK YOUR STUPID BULLSHIT FAKE REALITY BUBBLES THAT YOU TRY TO PUT OTHERS INTO ALONG WITH YOU.

 

 

It's FAKE, it's NONSENSE, it's BULLSHIT, it's DISHONEST, it's a LIE.

 

 

STOP IT. CUT IT OUT.

 

 

-

 

 

April 11th, 2024, 10:13 AM

 

 

People as a species tend to act in EXTREMELY IRRATIONAL WAYS ALL OF THE TIME.

It’s enough sometimes to make me feel like it is DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE. 🙄

 

Do you reading this here understand what I just said?

 

SO many people act SO irrationally constantly, without ANY thought processing occuring, that I FEEL LIKE I’M THE CRAZY ONE FOR NOT BEING THIS WAY!!

 

Fuck me! 🙄

 

 

No wonder I keep to myself and don’t hang around other humans, most of you are fucking idiots.

 

And I don’t even consider myself “smart” per se, I definitely do dumb shit in my life.

 

But whenever I have, I know that BARE MINIMUM I had at the very least ATTEMPTED to try and approach the instance of my life with some remote attempt within my brain at LOGIC.

I feel like a LOT of y’all humans don't do that, or Can’t, are quite literally INCAPABLE of doing that in this day and age. NO WONDER MANKIND IS FILLED WITH HATE-FILLED IDIOTS EVERYWHERE YOU FUCKING GO! 🙄

 

HOW HAVE YOU ADULTS IN MY AGE GROUP WHO USE ZERO LOGIC WITHIN YOUR THOUGHTS ON A DAILY BASIS NOT ACCIDENTALLY GOTTEN YOURSELVES RUN OVER BY A TRAIN OR A CAR BY THIS POINT.

 

You humans must be MONUMENTALLY EASY FOR OTHER SMARTER HUMAN BEINGS THAN YOU TO CONTROL and manipulate, holy SHIT!!! 🙄

 

 

Not me. NEVER me.

 

You will NOT CONTROL how I think or how I act. Ever.

Only I will.

 

DON’T LET OTHERS MANIPULATE YOU SO EASILY. QUESTION EVERYTHING. Use LOGIC, REASONING, and RATIONALE to form your own opinions constantly, and that’s literally IT. 

 

LITERALLY THE KEY TO ANY REMOTE INTELLIGENCE AT ALL WHATSOEVER.

 

YOU’RE WELCOME!

 

NOW, for fuck’s sakes, help me Please make this world of ours a place for me and other Sane people to live in where we don’t feel like wanting to WALL OURSELVES AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYONE IN SOCIETY!!!!! PLEASE!!!!! My health along with the mind’s health of literally EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING FOR THE REST OF HUMANITY’S TIME ON THIS PLANET IS AT STAKE!!! Let’s not make the world of tomorrow a world with ONE HUNDRED PERCENT STUPID FUCKING EASILY-MANIPULATED IDIOTS.

 

 

PLEASE! I'M BEGGING ALL OF YOU RATIONAL HUMAN BEINGS OUT THERE,

 

HELP ME WITH THIS SHIT!

 

Amen.

 

That’s a BIG load off of my chest just now.

 

 

 

You reading this Know that I have a point (perhaps Subconsciously). Unless you are completely brain dead, you know that at the very least SOME of the things I’m saying here have a point. A truthfulness, a blunt-to-your-face wake-up-call REALITY CHECKING point.

 

You might not like this harsh reality, I know I certainly don't, after all it is a very HARSH reality I am painting for you, but it is also a reality with a massive dose of TRUTH and HONESTY behind everything that I’ve been saying since I began this WHOLE FUCKING LIST.

 

And HONESTY and TRUTH are important.

 

-

 

 

I understand that my brain’s thought process that: Who the fuck is any human to Judge another human?,

 

And my thought process that:

 

Most people are idiots.

 

Are 2 thought processes that you might just possibly personally feel fundamentally “clash”.

That’s ok. Not everything in life is “black and white”.

 

I think, if I’m putting my brain’s thoughts together properly right now, that any RATIONAL human being only God can judge properly (Who the fuck is anyone else to judge?)

However,

People with ZERO RATIONALE OR ZERO LOGIC OR ZERO REASONING EVER, EVER EVER SHOWN are one of the VERY few kinds of people I believe CAN be somewhat "properly" judged:

 

Judged simply and concisely as “STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE”.

 

 

That’s the One BIG exception that my brain is telling me exists to the Don't Judge Others, After All, Who The Fuck Are You? rule.

 

Perhaps there are others, but none I can think of at the moment, or that are coming to my mind right now.

 

Maybe I’m wrong about something that I missed, or didn’t think of, or didn’t think through fully. That’s 100% a possibility.

 

-

 

 

April 11th, 2024, 10:38 AM

 

I still try when rapping along to a song to cut myself off from rapping the n-word. I feel my brain by this point in my life (as a white hip hop fan) is automatically wired to try and do this. I hope one day I feel free enough within my freedom of speech (and the endless society’s attempts of cancelling everybody (which hopefuly one day cease)) to no longer have my brain feel the quite literal n eed to do that. It’s n.  ot healthy for it. It’s n....ot healthy for my thought processing, and I pon'der on whether it’s n  ot healthy for the healing of white and black people in general (this very last one I don’t have a definite specific clear answer for how my brain feels about it, at least not at this point in my life). I am extremely open and extremely curious to hearing others’ opinions on if they themselves believe this to be healing or destructive. I’m not sure how I feel about it myself, and I’m absolutely all ears to hearing other people’s opinions.

 

I love hearing other rational, logical points of view. It’s healthy for everyone as humans to listen to these. It helps us grow personally, as well as progress positively as a species, as a whole.

 

That's a GREAT thing.

 

Also, White People: Listen Up!!!!

 

It isn't a big fucking deal.

 

If I Stephen Abraham Rosenblum Choose On My Own Accord To Not Say A Word Or to Try My Damnedest To Not Say A Word when Rapping Along to My Favorite Songs (human Art), I have Reached a Poin't of Respect for Art and Artists Where I Choose On My Own Accord To Not Say It.

 

All words are used in Human art reflecting upon HUMAN HISTORY, evil WARTS AND ALL WORDS WORDS

 

 

 

"words".

 

included, WARTS AND ALL!!!!!, and the CONTEXT CONTEXT CONTEXT

 

 

context.

 

 

of the art is what's importan't.

 

Black people aren't racist for saying the n-word, jews aren't racist for saying the k-word, gay people aren't homophobic for using a particular f-word (no the Other one). ;)

 

 

Maybe one day we will learn to All Love One Another and we All Collectively Won't Give Twofucks let alone 1.

 

SO "SAY IT WITH ME UNLESS YOU ARE TOO PUSSY TO DO SO!!!

 

 

Join Me, Won't You??? :

 

 

"STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT WORDS are just that, and they will not hurt me anymore, Ever.

 

 

I'm willing to venture a guess that this cookie cracker is the only one saying it. Prove me wrong, make my motherfucking day.

 

Art is Art, let it be free, Blazing Saddles and all;

I Salute you Mel Brooks, and thank you for subliminally subconsciously Teaching me at 4 years old Just How Stupid and Retarded Racism Truly Is, through the Positivity of Your Comedy and your Art. I Love You.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

April 11th, 2024, 10:38 AM

 

Things I can easily say to someone to not answer people when they ask me things I don’t feel the need to answer: (You can use these Too!!)

 

Dodge question.

 

No comment.

 

I will neither confirm nor deny.

 

I'm not going to dignify that with an answer (of yes, no, maybe, or I don't know).

 

I'm not going to dignify that with a yes, no, or maybe.

 

I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.

 

Come to Your Own Conclusions.

 

 

Choose Multiple Choice from any of these responses.

 

As you wish. As you will.

 

 

 

April 11th, 2024, 12:12 PM

 

I typically don’t like how I photograph, and on the rare occasion I like how a photo of myself comes out, I’m very happy lol

I probably genuinely like less than 30 photos that have ever been taken of me in my entire life lol 😂

I feel the camera doesn’t get my good looks in as well as I would like for some reason… I feel I look much hotter in person lol :)

I think I'm a hottie lol, Discuss.

 

 

-

 

 

 

April 12th, 2024, 3:30 AM

 

 

WHO I AM.

At 28:

 

 

 

I’m so happy.

 

 

 

 

My nerves now tell my brain:

 

 

“Life is good.”

 

Thank God I Finally feel this way. 🤘🏻

 

 

 

My message to Life:

 

“LET’S DO THIS SHIT!!!” 🤘🏻

 

Game on baby. 😎

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peace. ✌🏻

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

----------Next Note muthaFuckaaaas......

 

 

Join me, Won't You? :

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In order to PROPERLY OPEN UP FULLY TO EVERYONE ELSE (if one chooses to do this),

 

they must:

 

FIRST: Generally come to terms with what THEY THEMSELVES THINK.

 

then,

 

OPEN UP to some of your “trusted” “LOVED ones”.

 

And finaly

 

OPEN UP TO EVERYBODY ELSE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part A->Part B->Part C.

 

 

You’re welcome.

 

“Since, my friend you have revealed your deepest fear,

I sentence you to be EXPOSED BEFORE YOUR PEERS:

 

TEAR DOWN THE FUCKING WALL!”

 

 

It’s more Pink Floyd Talk Ma, I’m sorry, it’s just true.

 

 

 

To be fair,

for months at a time sometimes it is

 

PRINCE MUSIC, or

A TRIBE CALLED QUEST MUSIC, or

ZAPP MUSIC, or

SUN RA MUSIC, or

2PAC MUSIC

 

That would be on my mind 24/7.

 

I LOVE MUSIC. IT’S BEAUTIFUL ART AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE ART FORM

 

therefore,

 

I think about and relate to it VERY often. It’s just how music works within my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

The meaning of life is to get your nerves to tell your brain, either subconsciously or consciously or both, as often as possible, and within a calm and relaxing manner THAT:

 

Life is good.

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

The electoral college is BULLSHIT.

 

The LEGALITY of gerrymandering, LEGAL POLITICAL MANIPULATION, is BULLSHIT.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

 

 

-

 

I hate the whole “sent from my iphone” bullshit.

 

Fucking stop.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

-

 

 

 

Sometimes my brain cant express in words an opinion of mine to others, and therefore I dont say shit. And that's ok. It's ok to not understand something enough, and therefore you keep your mouth shut.

It can be a good, healthy, GREAT thing, a BLESSING TO OTHERS that You DIDN'T SPREAD EEEEEVEN MORE of your BULLSHIT UNTO THE WORLD.

 

 

And Chose Rather to just quite simply SHUT THE FUCK UP.

 

 

 

AMEN.

 

-

 

 

 

 

IF NO ONE WERE TO JUDGE ANYONE ANYMORE FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THEIR INTELLIGENCE (Or lackthereof)

 

EVER AGAIN

 

I believe NO ONE WOULD HURT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. EVER.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 7 YEARS it feels BETTER for me to sleep WITHOUT WEARING my fingerless gloves instead of WITH them.

 

This is a good thing.

 

Sleeping alone I practically ALWAYS wear them lately. 🙄

 

That might no longer be necessary.

 

Fuck yeah baby let’s fuckin' go. 😎

 

 

-

 

I respect my sister SO MUCH for her love of reading and books.

 

It’s such a good thing. For anybody honestly.

 

 

Including myself.

 

-

 

 

For the first time in many years I am MORE comfortable sleeping WITHOUT my waist band.

 

That’s a good thing.

 

My body no longer needs this shit to tell the brain where the body naturally lies.

 

-

SAME thing goes for the arm straps.

 

Let’s go baby 😎

-

Feel FREE to Sleep Naked or in your underwear yall, it’s the most Comfortable anywayz.

-

My thought process (MUCH healthier now) about myself “opening up” to people NOW:

 

What am I afraid of? Them KNOWING me?? Them simply KNOWING who I am??

 

NOT ANYMORE BABY!! 😜😎🤘🏻

 

 

I work nowadays at a STRIP CLUB by the way, and I fucking LOVE it!

 

Does this “offend” you? Does the way I live MY (MINE!) “HAPPY-AS-FUCK” life not live up to YOUR particular standards of how I should be living MY life??????

 

 

Who the fuck are you?

 

 

 

-

The “SINCERITY” of how one lives their lives, and how they’ve expressed who they TRULY ARE to others

 

LIVES ON AFTER THEY ARE GONE.

 

Lives on through others after they've gone.

 

That’s a beautiful thing.

 

 

-

 

 

 

A friend of mine excitedly says to me the night that I come back to work (I took a night off to write important things down) :

 

 

STEPHEN ROSENBLUM!! WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK!

 

 

It’s GOOD to be back. FINALLY

 

You have NO IDEA how long I’ve been gone.

 

Maybe you will, now that my walls have come down and I can share with you 😜

 

-

Me being gone from work for ONE SINGLE DAY has now shown to ALL OF MY COWORKERS WHO WERE THERE LAST NIGHT an almost-FULL extent of what my full VALUE is as an employee.

 

Lol, that’s dope.

 

Coming back to work now with these coworkers of mine is even BETTER now lol. 😎

 

 

That’s a good thing.

 

 

Logically.

-

I’m a bathroom attendant at a night club.

 

This means that I clean peoples' PISS and SHIT and VOMIT every single night.

 

It ALSO means that I LISTEN TO MUSIC THE ENTIRETY OF THE TIME THAT I'M WORKING, DANCE whenever I feel like it, CONNECT PERSONALLY to others when I decide that I want to, and overall

 

TRY MY BEST TO HAVE AS GREAT OF A NIGHT AS POSSIBLE EVERY FUCKING TIME THAT I GO TO WORK

 

And I love my job.

 

Shit, We just became a STRIP CLUB, where BEAUTIFUL NAKED WOMEN ARE AROUND ME ALL OF THE TIME, and EVERYBODY ELSE IS IN A BETTER HAPPIER MOOD WITH THEM NOW AROUND.

 

Is it “ok” or “proper” in your opinion that I LOVE my job where I clean up other peoples PISS, SHIT and VOMIT and see naked women CONSTANTLY?

 

Who the fuck are you?

 

Who the fuck are you to tell me whether or not I SHOULD or SHOULDNT ENJOY WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING?

 

Who the fuck are you?

 

Amen. 👏🏻

-

 

I’m “HIGH” on life.

 

This feels great

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Laughing gas felt like it brought back up my levels of feeling within my nerves

 

Now that these levels feel “brought back up”

 

I no longer feel the need for laughing gas

 

Amen to that, seriously.

 

 

 

 

Im like Personal with everybody again

 

 

It feels good.

 

 

 

 

 

The romantic interest in my life I find. SO FUCKING ATTRACTIVE DUDE

 

lol i love my life!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I like to keep people assured as much as I can that I am NOT judging them. I KNOW how DESTRUCTIVE TO A PERSON'S LIFE “JUDGEMENT OF OTHERS IS

 

ITS BULLSHIT

 

DONT FUCKING DO IT

 

HELP PEOPLE BECOME SMARTER PEOPLE IF YOU CAN.

 

BUT DO NOT JUDGE THEM.

DON'T JUDGE ANYBODY.

IT WILL MAKE THEM SINK BEHIND SOME METAPHORICAL WALL FOR THEIR ENTIRE FUCKING LIVES.

 

Society is MUCH WORSE OFF because of that.

 

 

DONT DO IT.

 

ITS BAD FOR YOU

 

ITS BAD FOR THEM

 

ITS BAD FOR ALL OF US HUMAN BEINGS WHO ALL HAVE TO SHARE THIS FINITE PLANET TOGETHER.

 

DON'T DO IT.

 

 

Say “no” to JUDGE.

 

🖕🏻

 

DONT DO IT.

 

 

-

 

 

I love having a SPUNKY PERSONALITY.

 

Those are fun to be around.

 

 

And that’s a good thing.

 

 

Logically.

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

 

I’m willing to venture a guess that you Fuckers out there 😜

 

CANT BEAT MY ASS IN LOGIC

 

LET'S SET UP A DEBATE SHOW, IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL AND FUN AND HEALTHY AND HAPPY AND a HEALING THING FOR US HUMANS TO DO THIS ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME (like a Game show around it: Who presents the MOST logic? GO!)

That would be a great and fun and healthy and positive and beautiful and entertaining and funny show.

 

Put on the show 2 geniuses, 2 idiots, an idiot AND a genius, EVERYBODY in between the two.

 

LETS GO! That's a GREAT idea!

 

Who Presents the Most LOGIC: The Show.

 

You’re WELCOME. Make a positive fun entertaining GAME out of it.

 

 

That’s a GREAT idea!

 

And that’s a good thing.

 

Logically.

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

LET’S FUCKING GO!!!! 😎

 

The Audience at the end “votes” on who they think presented the most logic (and VARYING topics and subject matters)

 

You’re welcome.

 

 

Where’s my millions please?? 😎💸

Lol

 

therefore,

 

Logic can make you RICHER, but more Importantly: it makes you WISER.

 

 

Hopefully that might MOTIVATE some of YOU out there to TRY BEING AS LOGICAL REASONABLE AND RATIONAL AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

 

 

ANYTHING YOU WANT IN LIFE, the BEST solution will ALWAYS be,

 

ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!

 

APPROACH your goal systematically using LOGIC RATIONALE AND REASONING

 

 

And there you go! 👏🏻 THAT’S the secret to a person having the BEST CHANCE of SUCCESS within ANYTHING they EVER do, ever.

 

 

You’re welcome!!!

 

 

aMEN. 👏🏻

 

PREACH!

 

 

 

-

Hey Ma! Love ya! 😘

 

A BEAUTIFUL THING just happened to me:

 

My brain has logically, reasonably, and rationally come to the conclusion that my “reconnecting” of my nervous system, and my overall logical, rational, and reasonable thought processing coming back to me:

SEEMS from all of the signs my logical brain can deduce,

to be “PERMANENT”!!!!!! FOR THE TIME BEING!! 🥳

 

therefore,

 

 

My subconscious brain tells me that I DO NOT NEED TO TAKE LAUGHING GAS AT ALL AT THIS MOMENT IN MY LIFE!!! 🤘🏻😎

 

I feel it has “cured” (at the MOMENT at least) ALL of my health issues, and restored me, healing me, and my brain, and my nerves.

 

 

And therefore,

 

 

My logical brain tells me to take ZERO MORE AMOUNTS OF SOME “DRUG” that could potentially HARM me,

 

 

therefore,

 

 

I will NOT be taking ANY NITROUS THIS WEEK! Not ONE FUCKING BALLOON. 🖕🏻

 

My body OFFICIALLY processes that I NO LONGER FEEL THAT I NEED IT TO FEEL HEALTHY AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

 

 

Love ya Ma, THANK YOU for sticking by my side through ALL OF THIS CRAZY SHIT WE’VE BEEN THROUGH FOR MY HEALTH OVER THESE LAST SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!!!!

I KNOW it’s been EXTREMELY STRESSFUL ON YOU GUYS!!!! 

Trust me when I say that it has been an EXTREMELY STRESSFUL TIME FOR ME TOO!! LOL!

 

 

My conscious brain is logically, rationally, and reasonably telling the rest of the body (and my subconscious) that it is OVER now.

 

OFFICIALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

 

For the FIRST TIME!!!!!!

 

There we FUCKING go baby!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

 

 

MASSIVE SIGH OF RELIEF. 🤗

 

 

I Love you Ma! I always have! I always will!

 

LOVE Ya! 😘😘😘😘

-

 

 

 

im CRYin' compiling this list yall.

 

 

 

i love my Mama.

 

 

Alwayz Have.

 

 

 

 

Alwayz Will

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Americans (and all human beings who think this way) are WRONG to think it is a good idea for them (or any human) to HIDE themselves from SEX POSITIVITY.

 

IT LITERALLY HAS POSITIVITY IN THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION YOU STUPID FUCKS!!!!!!!!

 

LOL! 😂

 

 

 

THINK. HOW THE FUCK IS SEX POSITIVY A NEGATIVE THING IN ANY CONCEIVABLE FUCKING WAY FOR A HUMAN BEING TO HAVE!?!?!?!!!?!

 

It’s not.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

Many of the best things in life ONLY have a remote CHANCE of coming to those who are PATIENT.

 

Most of Y'all Cunts Out There Don't Got No Den Der Patience for Den Der 10 Seconds O' Den Der Five Zeconds, let alone 1.

 

 

 

-

 

yadayda.....

 

...when quite literally Blazing Saddles is a movie about just how ridiculously and comedically STUPID racism is!

DID WE EVEN WATCH THE SAME MOVIE!?!?!?!?!?

 

 

-

 

 

Oh, you Judge somebody else for being “too sexually active” or “slutty” or 

Quite literally:

ENJOYING THEIR OWN LIVES TOO MUCH!?!?!??!!!

 

Who the fuck are you?

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like my whole life I’ve been told that me as a person “isn’t good enough”, by EVERYBODY.

 

I Judge you as a Stoner.

I Judge you not “boy scouty enough”.

I Judge you as Jewish.

I Judge you for Not being Jewish enough.

I Judge you for Being Jewish and Not Speaking Out About Being on Israel’s Side.

I Judge you for Being Jewish and Not Speaking Out About Being On Palestine’s Side.

I Judge you for not telling us what Side you’re on. You’re Jewish, therefore you NEED to share with all of society your views on this!!!!

I Judge you for Not trying harder drugs.

I Judge you for having ever TRIED marijuana EVER.

I Judge you for not drinking alcohol anywhere’s NEAR as much (and as often) as society says you should be drinking amongst friends and family gatherings.

I Judge you as smoking TOO MUCH for what I personally deem “proper”.

I Judge you for enjoying your life of cleaning piss, and shit, and vomit.

I Judge you for enjoying your life where you barely afford a “studio” apartment, are only working 2 (exhausting, tiring) days a week, and then every other week you go visit MAMA and PAPA for several days.

^

I Judge you for Enjoying that lifestyle choice Too much.

I Judge you for not working enough hours a week, and I Judge you for living in a studio apartment.

I Judge you for Not being Happy enough right now as is to MY Own Personal liking.

I Judge your logic as “improper”, or “rude”, or “in poor taste”, or “vulgar”, or “OFFENSIVE” (oh no!!.

I Judge you for enjoying your life of being around naked women constantly.

I Judge you for having worked at a weed plant. Lol. 😂

I Judge you as “too weird”, or “not normal enough”.

 

I JUDGE YOU AS “NOT GOOD ENOUGH” STEPHEN ABRAHAM ROSENBLUM!!

 

 

And guess what I NOW have to say to 100% of ALL of YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT FOLKS:

 

 

WHO THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

 

Amen.

 

 

👏🏻

 

 

Peace. ✌🏻🖕🏻

 

 

 

 

 

I take a sigh of relief, and my ENTIRE Back just properly and naturally “cracked” itself BEAUTIFULLY BACK INTO “PROPER” POSITION.

 

Another big beautiful sigh. 😊

 

And another HUMONGOUS BEAUTIFUL SIGH after that one. 😊😊😊😊

^

And another one as I completed that sentence. 😊

 

 

LOL 😂

 

FUCK y’all who Judge me. I don’t give a FUCK what you think about me anymore.

 

 

That’s a good thing.

 

 

For my body. For my health. For my brain. For my nerves.

 

 

Logically.

CLEARLY LMAO 😂 

 

 

Amen.

 

 

👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

I’m today WAY better in my critical and logical thinking whilst playing video games (don’t even TEST ME IZAYA when we play Battlefront 1 & 2 next time homie 😎)

 

Love ya 😜

 

In a gay way.

 

Not kidding.

 

Do you Judge me negatively because I “curse” or “swear” too damn much!?!

Do you Judge me for being too brutally HONEST WITH YOU?!?!? WOULD YOU RATHER I LIED TO YOU INSTEAD?!?!?!? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?

 

IS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE?!?!?!?!?

 

Is this where we came in??

 

 

 

“Echoes” by Pink Floyd, and “What’s A Telephone Bill?” by Bootsy (Collin)s’ Rubber Band are the two best songs ever made.

In my opinion.

 

I just listened to both and my ears’ Jizzed twice (at the very least).

 

 

I hate it when people AUTOMATICALLY associate “long” (for a movie, book, album, ART OF ANY KIND) with “bad” for a work of Art.

 

It happens all of the time.

 

 

It’s incorrect.

 

 

It’s illogical to think this way (impatience, impatience, Impatience Everywhere i look in 2024).

 

 

It’s a bad thing.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

OF COURSE I wrote a book where the Entire book is from various Character’s brain’s perspectives, to See how each of their brains is responding to what they are experiencing.

Lol, of course that would be the book I would automatically decide to write. 😂

It all makes sense to me now lol 😂

 

 

-

 

And Y'all Ain't Read it yet, HA!

 

-(except Mom and Dad, they have lol, SALUTE!)

 

 

-

When I’m having good or GREAT sex, I say “Oh my God” quite a lot. I think it’s because good sex is the closest that my brain has come to experiencing “Heaven on Earth” (2Pac's "Heaven Ain't Hard To Find").

 

 

-

 

 

I was in a room a few years ago with Only Several Jewish young adults, Having FUN with each other, LAUGHING together, ENJOYING each other’s company, feeling SAFE to have FUN.

 

I stopped and looked around, feeling like I needed to take that time to appreciate such a RARE and BEAUTIFUL thing. I could have teared up right then and there, but I didn’t.

 

Cards Against Humanity is a beautiful game. It helps one another break those “politically correct” MotherFuckingBullshit Masks of theirs, and possibly open to have FUN finding things FUNNY once again in their motherfucking lives.

 

 

I resented being the sole Jewish person that most of my peers knew when I was growing up, AUTOMATICALLY having everyone view ME and see my ENTIRE JEWISH PEOPLE, with ME as their SOLE SPOKESPERSON ESSENTIALLY.

I fucking hated it. I relate to others that are in a similar situation.

 

 

I am not afraid of DEATH, because of the fact that I have accepted the fact that every human dies (Fuckin' Obviously!!!....).

BECAUSE I have accepted that brutal fact, I have moved on from any fear of it happening to me, at least right Now at This time within my life (at least the last decade or 2).

We’ll see how I feel if I make it to an old man (NOT guaranteed in the SLIGHTEST for ANYONE by the way…obviously.).

I live my life as if I don't have tomorrow guaranteed, because I DON'T (Obviously!!).

 

 

When my time comes (I'm in No rush, TRUST me lol,) I Plan on being chill, and trying my best to say some funny last few words for whomever is in attendance (even if I “go” within only the attendance of myself and a potential (I BELIEVE) God “Entity”, I would try to make the Entity laugh and Myself laugh in my final moments), trying to make them smile and comfort them (as I’M literally the one DYING LOL 😂)

Anyway, that’s what I plan to do on the day (I HOPE TO BE VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY FUCKING FAR AWAY!) that I “go”.

 

I’ll probably say something goofy and say it in a funny way:

 

Such as:

 

“OH man….. That fuckin’ Sucks. Lol”

 

“Oh MAN….. I’m supposed to get my grocery shopping done tomorrow. 🙄”

 

“Oh man, now I’ll never get to hear Dr. Dre’s “Detox” Album, he told me it was Comin’! I’ve been waiting since I was 4 for the Chronic 3 to come out man!”

 

^

Y’know, some variant of these sorta sayings, until I can’t no more and I croak.

 

I kick the ‘ole bucket.

 

I’m “pushing up the daisies”.

I’ll be “bereft of life, I’ll rest in peace.

I’ll have expired, and gone to meet my maker.

I’ll be pushing up the daisies.

A stiff

Passed on, ceased to be.

 

 

 

That's a Monty Python reference Ma.

 

 

Perhaps my thoughts will change and I will develop a FEAR of death as time goes on, but with the chill sort of person that I believe that I am, I’m not holding my breath for it.

 

Because I would die.

 

An EX-Human. (Not to be confused with EX-Parrot or X-men)

 

Alright I’m just goofin’ off now, I think you get my general thoughts on my death and mortality by now.

 

 

If I'm Not Afraid Of Death, There Isn't Shit Else To Be Afraid Of.

 

Amen.

 

 

Thank God.

 

-

 

 

The more I read and hear about laughing gas, the more I’m not wanting to take too much of this shit, Obviously.

 

I vow to you reading this to NEVER KILL MYSELF OR RUIN MY FUCKING LIFE! FROM Any drug, be it Laughing Gas, Tylenol, or Anything Else.

 

This I VOW to MYSELF, and to OTHERS,

and to the LOVED ONES of mine:

^

Y’all know who you are, and thank you for all and any of your positivity that you have brought to my life! I APPRECIATE IT, and I APPRECIATE YOU! 😉😜

 

And I Love You So Much :)

 

Words Could Never Express

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

🫡 

 

I pledge allegiance

To the Freedom of Speech

For which America stands.

 

And to all of y’all

Dumb bitches and

Dumber twats, who try to take it from me

I’ll shit talk against all you twats.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

-

 

 

People in today 's conversations when you talk with another human being face to face, cut you off from what you are saying, and you have a Very limited amount of time and words to get a thought of yours across.

 

MAYBE ONE SENTENCE. MAYBE 1 until you get cut off, interjected, or interrupted by the person you are talking to.

 

MAYBE. (To Be Honest In My Own Experience, UsualyfuckingNOT!)

 

Yet,

 

Some (MANY) thoughts that we have within this complex thing we experience called Life, REQUIRE MORE WORDS AND SPEECH THAN ONE FUCKING SENTENCE IS ABLE TO MOTHER-FUCKING EXPRESS YOU IDIOTS.

 

So try LISTENING and SHUTTING THE FUCK UP SOMETIMES WHEN OTHERS ARE TALKING TO YOU, and TRYING their Best TO GET A MESSAGE ACROSS.

 

It's Called Patience, it's a Really Cool Thing tbh, i'm a Big Fan Personally 👍🏻.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My mother and my father being my 2 best friends in my life at 28 is a BEAUTIFUL, HEALTHY, POSITIVE, POWERFUL, RARE thing.

 

I thank God for it, and for my father and my mother being able to be in my life as much as they are at 28. MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY, MAAANY People i know for a fact are Much less fortunate than I am.

 

Roger Waters’ music (in my opinion) best reflects that, at least at its saddest (and possibly also his Strongest) written moments within his music.

 

His sadder lyrics tend to be his best written and heartfelt, I have personally found.

 

2Pac's Songs reflect loss and emptiness of a parent's absence in life as well.

 

I Can't Even Remotely Begin to Properly Understand, As I Have Never Walked A Minute Moment In Time In Either Of Their Shoes obviously, let alone the shoes of someone missing a parent (I am Blessed, Thank You God for Lisa and Peter Rosenblum's Love and Existence (i would quite literally be nowhere without it if you catch my drift)).

 

 

I Sympathize.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Feeling of living in a Too-Expensive, Small,Stuffy (icanhardlymotherfuckingbreatheonahotday) Studio Apartment is a feeling i am familiar with the past 5 going on 6.

 

Rent goes up in a month, which it always does this time of year.

 

Unironically, pay for Most Humans (myself included) INFact DoesNot Go Up Every Year, just Rent...

 

 

 

 

No Complaints, just reality of our Society Overall and How It Works in my time.

 

Just Reality, Never Complaining.

 

 

-

 

 

My thoughts keep coming Back to Whatever Music I am listening to when my brain Comes Up with these thoughts.

 

Since I am ALWAYS listening to music, my THOUGHTS and Thought-Processing is quite LITERALLY WHOLESOMELY FOCUSED ON MUSIC (and Art in general).

 

That can/could be a Very Good Thing.

 

Logically.

 

Amen.

 

“PREACH!”

 

^

That Coupled with rational, logical, reasonable thought is my TICKET to SUPPORTING MYSELF ((and more importantly to me personally:) my LOVED ONES AS WELL Hopefully,) Financially.

 

Through Art. Through My Art that I share with others.

 

 

I Believe (I Believe in myself and I Do Not Care What Anyone Else Thinks).

 

 

That’s a good thing.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen.

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

 

I have been told my ENTIRE LIFE that my way of thinking is WRONG.

 

 

by (it Feels Like) just about everybody except izaya and my crush.

 

I Know That's hyperbolizing, but Not By Very Much Y'all (in my 28 Years of Experience.).

 

And if you are someone who hasn't somehow Acted this way around me, i Thank You for not telling me i "think" or "act" or "talk" "quote-on-quote" "WRONG".

 

You're one of the few, most always love reminding me about it (I don't judge them, I don't judge you reading this (whoever you are), no Judging. No "Judgement".)

 

 

-

 

 

 

Patient Number 9 by Ozzy Osbourne (which I am listening to right now) is the BEST Rock song of the last 25 years, fucking EASILY.

 

 

-

 

SICKNESS:

 

 

You don't let it OWN you. That's your revenge. To live.

 

 

 

AMEN.

-

 

My bed Actually feels COMFORTABLE!

 

Imagine that.

 

 

 

I see my fingerless gloves that I would normally put on, My brain's telling me I don't need my fingerless gloves right now.

 

-

 

The way my eyes naturally are supposed to lie whilst I sleep is BACK Baby!!

 

I've felt like they haven't known where to naturally automatically lie when I sleep for the last 7 years. 🙄 (Cuz they Haven't).

 

 

Could be a problem.

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every time I talk or spend time with this woman, I like her & enjoy her company more and more :)

 

 

 

 

EVERYONE needs an HONEST Opinion they can TRUST.

 

Mine is my Mom and my Dad, and to Some extent my best friends Zac and Izaya.

 

 

And Her Lately :).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Eat, Sleep, Create, Love.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Looks DO matter to SOME extent.

 

I don’t want my romantic interest to look like a Goblin, personally.

 

 

It’s understandable to NOT want your significant sex partner to look like a Goblin.

 

Logically.

 

 

I’m hoping to have some Squishy Parts to Play With.

It’s More Fun when that’s the case.

 

Logically.

 

 

OBVIOUSLY!!

 

 

I have a MASSIVE kink in my neck, more on the back Left side of it.

 

 

 

I’m hoping that you have some squishy parts to play with, Don’t look like a goblin, and have a tight Enough, wet Enough YaKnow.

 

And perhaps Some sexual skills and don’t Dislike giving oral sex.

 

 

Let's all be Adults here.

 

 

I’m willing to venture a guess that MOST heterosexual men want something similar.

 

Logically.

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

This isn't a super high bar.

 

This is LOGICAL and TYPICAL of MOST MEN.

 

TRUST ME. THIS IS HOW THEY THINK. I KNOW CUZ I’M ONE OF THEM.

 

 

 

-

 

 

some of my Top songs of All time are:

 

What’s A Telephone Bill? by Bootsy’s Rubber Band

Echoes by Pink Floyd

When Doves Cry by Prince

Epitaph by King Crimson

Dance Floor by Zapp

 

 

That’s PROBABLY my Top 5 songs of all time.

 

-

 

 

 

For the mistakes that I’ve made:

 

I’m sorry. I’m trying to do better and Be better every day.

 

 

-

 

 

SHAMELESS Self Promotion:

 

 

https://linktr.ee/stephenrosenblum

 

 

 

https://youtu.be/wKYagDiIVV8?si=jkyb4CuTdxAlx2ry

 

 

 

https://youtu.be/kXbAS_HJugg?si=2A9g37OBg7pTovJk

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Words can’t say what I want to sometimes. I try my best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After All,,, ALL Words Are Made Up, Emotions Are Automatic.

 

We Have Words (Created by Humans) To Try Our Best To COOONVEEEEEY Our Thoughts Feelings Emotions,,,

 

 

 

 

But Words Could Never Properly Express.

 

Amen.

 

 

 

-

 

 

When you make contact with some other living being you like (could be a human, could be a pet), your nerves give your brain a positive signal.

 

That’s a good thing

 

Logically

 

Amen

 

Preach

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love my life!

 

My life’s chill as fuck dawg.

 

Hell yeah.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Art is how us humans can Express Themselves more Clearly to Another.

 

 

That’s a GREAT thing.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen.

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

We have a chance of potentially understanding one another better.

 

 

That’s a GREAT thing.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

 

So THAT'S why I Always feel like talking about it! Always feel like sharing my thoughts on

 

 

 

 

 

 

Art

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

that I am Interested in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s dope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Logically.

 

 

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clothing around my appendix surgery scar doesn’t move on it like it shoud

My nerves on the scar are also obviously not the way they should be feeling.

It's a big scar, not the smaller type of appendix scars Typical with the surgery, in case ya give two shits for some fucking reason.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

I’m a nice guy I believe.

 

I don’t hurt anybody.

 

I just talk shit.

 

That’s ok with me.

 

Everything will be ok.

 

Y’all will LIVE with my thoughts expressed into the world, y’all’s Lives will Go On, and we’ll All be OK.

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m gonna go eat some food right now, that sounds like a Party 🥳🥳🎉

 

Party ALL OF THE TIME, through EVERYTHING YOU DO.

 

Life’s just one big Party!!

 

 

Life is just a party, and parties weren’t meant to last. 💜

 

 

 

 

LIVE IT UP.

 

 

If you on your Death bed can honestly say that you PARTIED YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE AS MUCH AS YOU HUMANLY POSSIBLY COULD.

 

Then you won.

 

You WIN.

 

DO YOU HEAR ME??

 

You WIN at LIFE!

 

 

That’s a GREAT BEAUTIFUL THING.

 

Logically.

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

“PREACH!”

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

Chemistry can always grow, but a Natural Automatic Chemistry with a person from the Get Go Helps with that, and Natural Automatic Chemistry is either There, or it’s Not.

 

I had a Natural Automatic Chemistry with my Crush the Very First time We Talked To Each Other, I Personally Humbly Feel :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Having a Positive Repore with someone is a Good Thing.

 

Obviously.

 

Logically.

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

“PREACH “

 

 

 

We dont have to Like everything a person does, or Agree with everything they say and do (obviously),

 

No Two Humans Have The Exact Same Brain Or way Of Thinking Or Thought Processes (obviously)

 

We Do Not Have To Hate Those Who Think Differently (Obviously).

 

We Do Not Have To Use Violence Ever (Truthfully!).

 

 

We should Try our Best to be Open to the Idea of having a Positive Repore with Anybody, Anyone.

 

A Positive Repore is a Good Thing

.

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

C'mon y'all, One More Time:

 

 

 

"Amen."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Say it with me:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"PREACH!"

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

At my age I’m STILL LEARNING how to date.

 

Perhaps I’m not the only one.

 

I wish it would’ve happened for me 10-15 Years Ago, but hey, what’re ya gonna do?

It is what it is.

 

 

 

-

 

 

Lapses of reasoning and rationale and logic occur within us all.

 

 

-

 

The female body is the most Beautiful work of Art that I Personally can think of.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

I don’t feel this same society Need to "Cover it up" like it’s some EEEEEEviiiiiiiiiiiiiil

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not at all.

 

 

-

 

Thought Nuggets: the List.

 

 

About list:

 

“I dont feel the need to clarify.”

 

-

 

Getting things ACCOMPLISHED that you’re Wanting to get ACCOMPLISHED is Really Really NICE.

 

It feels Really GOOD.

 

 

That’s a good thing.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

-

 

Music works like it MIGHT effect your (nerves) some type of way

-

 

 

Don’t TRY to make other people Uncomfortable when trying to show any romantic interest in them (Obviously!).

 

 

Like, DUH.

 

I’m talking In Particular to MEN out there who are OVERZEALOUS.

 

Don’t be.

 

That literally

 

 

That goes Against what you’re trying to do MORON.

 

 

And what you’re Trying to do is SHOW them that you have Some romantic interest in them.

 

Logically.

 

 

Take that chance (but Don't HarassObviouslyObviouslyObviously)).

 

 

It Might just make your Life, telling someone a compliment, or they are "Lookin' Sharp Bro!!, Nice Shirt!, Lookin' Fly!".

 

Compliment Others Respectfully, make other people feel good about themselves, it Might Just Make Your Life (Potentially Make Theirs As Well, If Not Make Their Day).

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I LOVE making people feel good about themselves, i Love making people smile and laugh :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

A Single-as-F person wanting romantic companionship should KEEP THEIR OPTIONS OPEN if they can.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

 

I no longer Personally feel single as fuck (Yippee! 😜).

 

Fuck y'all wanting me now (don't try it, I have a Crush, iCare, And all y'all other chicks can fuck off, respectfullnotrespectfully, fully, whole-heartedly, Amen, from aMan.

 

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

p

r

e

a

c

h

.

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave Me Alone Unless Your Name Is

-

I’d encourage everyone to read this, when you find the time to do so, if ya Feel like it for some stupid nonobvious reason (i don't know y).

And share it with others, if you morons feel In'clined to do so, for (again) some fuckin' reasonin'....

 

 

i don' t kn'ow y'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

.

.

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This last month of me feeling good has meant more to me than the last 7 years of my life Combined.......

 

Being Brutally Honest: One Singular Day Of Feelin' Good Is Worth More To me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

 

Amen, thank you God for this Opportunity to live another day :)

 

 

The way we connect our Words, Language, and Grammar is an Art Form in and of itself.

 

 

Many in my life have tried to tell me that my Approach to this Art Form is Fundamentally “wrong”, or “incorrect”, or "flawed", or DESPERATELY DESPERATELY NEEEE

 

 

 

 

E

E

E

EE

 

D

D

D

DD

D

 

 

 

Zs

to Change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To them I say, Loudly and Proudly (feel free to say it with me y’all):

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

Society thinks it’s OK to KILL another human being, as long as it’s a human being from an opposing country during wartime, or someone with an Opposing Point of View.

 

Fuck what society deems “appropriate” to do.

 

Society has NO, ZERO!! MOTHER-FUCKING CLUE.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

Slavery's OFTEN DEEMED by Society LEGAL, and “proper” to do (many Still Think So and Believe so Today).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

Some people nowadays view themselves more as a Brand than as a Person lately.

 

I find that very sad, for them.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

They will not Act as Themselves, but Rather, as the Brand they have Made Up and Fabricated.

 

 

 

 

a FICTIONAL FAKE "ROBOT-HUMAN" THAT DOEZN'T EXZIZT in ACTUAL!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

REEEEEEEEAAAAAAALITYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OUTZIDE OF THA INTERNET AND YA SOCIALZ.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s fucked up, for them.

 

I feel sorry, for them.

 

That’s never going to be me, I won’t allow it to ever happen to me.

 

 

That’s a good thing.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

-

 

 

 

 

I feel like I’ve got my life back.

 

In reality, I think I Have.

 

 

That’s a good, and Beautiful thing.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Instead of telling kids DON’T DO DRUGS!!! DON’T HAVE SEX!!!!:

 

 

 

 

 

:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TEACH!!

 

 

Amen.

 

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

I per week of my life put these as my priorities:

 

Priority 1: HAVE AS MUCH FUN AND ENJOY MY LIFE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

 

Priority 2: Work on Creative Art of mine.

 

Priority 3: Get duties done Financially that I owe to myself, do my job to make Dat Monayyyy Baybayyyy

 

Priority 4: Spend time with family, friends, and others that I care about.

 

 

And those are IT.

 

EVERY week of my life boils down to me doing THOSE FOUR THINGS.

 

 

It works perfectly for me.

 

 

I like my life balance.

 

 

Only ways I visibly see to make it any better:

 

1. Make my Creative Passions into my Paycheck (which I am ALWAYS working towards (in case you still haven't caught on by now)).

 

2. Spend More Quality time with those that I love, Love, lol.

 

 

 

Otherwise, life is Perfect As Ever!!! for me at the moment 😜

 

 

FUCKING Perfect.

 

 

That’s a good thing.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

-

 

 

 

If I ever go, Mom and Dad, you have my permission to find these notes and organize and release them (I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING WITHIN MY EXISTENCE TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY and be Shown to OTHERS.

 

 

EVERYBODY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please DON'T let me down loves, Aaand I Love you guys :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

-

 

The universe (or whatever this Existence we Share within Is)

DOES talk to you, if you listen closely.

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No wonder I have a hard time relating with others, particularly romantically (not anymore babe ;) thank You 🫶🏻.

 

My processes are "Weird", "Strange", "Peculiar", Different Ways of Viewing things, that Automatically THROWS Other People “Off” Typically.

 

 

 

I do try to relate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Really Try You Guys, i Really do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perhaps I can Better, Now that this List has been released to all of You.

 

One Can Hope, can't he?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Having to Deal with Strangers Acting Stupid is EXTREMELY Annoying for me.

 

 

However, on the other hand,

 

 

Getting to Spend Time with Individuals whose Company I Enjoy is fucking Awesome!!! 😎

 

 

Logically.

 

Obviously.

 

 

I Love You Guys :)

 

 

 

 

Aaaaaand i Love You! :)

 

 

 

And I Love You :)

 

Amen.

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

-

 

 

If an adult has given CONSENT, it was Not harassment.

 

 

Unless it led to something Not Given CONSENT for.

 

Then That is indeed harassment, or Worse.

 

 

Logical, Rationable, Reasonable Human Beings of All walks of life should All be MORALLY AGAINST THIS HAPPENING, and Fight back Against it.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

Amen.

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like there are Many people out there who try to make people feel Guilty about Consensual Romantic Phyical Touch between two fully-grown Consenting Adult human beings.

 

 

THEY ARE WRONG TO DO SO.

 

 

Often it's by adults who can't take Responsibility for Their Own Consensual Actions that They have Partaken in, but later Regret.

 

That’s on them.

 

 

If you Sleep with somebody, and then Regret it later on, that does Not mean you were Raped.

 

 

Logically.

 

 

You fucking idiots.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

🎶 “Who you callin’ rapist? Ain’t that a bitch, you Devils, are So Two-Faced” 🎶

^

From 2Pac’s song “Fuck the World”, one of his REALEST, TRUEST songs, and one of the most Brutally HONEST Songs Ever Written.

 

 

This man went to JAIL for ELEVEN FUCKING MONTHS OF HIS VERY SHORT LIFE due to a BITCH LYing about what he did Without Consent.

 

 

Fuck that fucking BITCH 🖕🏻.

 

 

Fuck ANYBODY who does Bullshit like that to try and Fuck Up Another Human’s Reputation, Or Life, Or to try and Take Their Money.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m listenin to 2Pac’s Me Against The World Album right now.

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

RIP Brother.

 

 

Gone too soon.

 

 

Can I get a “PREACH!”?

 

 

AMEN.

 

 

 

Lost Boyz: “Bustin’ Gats Ain’t Got a MotherFuckin’ Thing To Do Wit Showin’ Skillz. 🎙️ Stop the Violence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Freaky Tah, gone too soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can i get an Amen from Those Who Have No Idea Who I’m Talking About?

 

 

Pretty Please?

 

 

 

Amen. 🙏🏻

 

 

Preach.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The most addictive drug in the world is Music.”- Mr. Cheeks

 

Selling records is Legal Drug Money.

 

Brilliant Album 🙏🏻

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saw Mr. Cheeks Live with DJ Kool Herc, Coke La Rock, Grandmaster Melle Mel, Grandmaster Caz, Kool DJ Red Alert, T-La Rock, Big Daddy Kane, time was crazy 🫶🏻 best night ever 🫶🏻

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope I survive for this to be released.

 

I believe that I indeed WILL.

 

Tupac created his ART under the Understanding that he Probably WOULDN’T.

 

And I can RELATE to THAT through his MUSIC, 

 

Me Against the Motherfucking World Baby.

 

I have Nothing To Lose, it's Just Me Against The World :)

 

 

Certainly the Most Brutally Honest Album I Have Ever Heard (I Love It So Much).

 

 

Possibly the Greatest Album a human being has ever made.

 

 

Along with Prince’s Purple Rain and Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here

 

 

Art Connects Us All.

 

 

 

 

Amen. 👏🏻

 

 

 

 

“PREACH!”

 

 

 

 

 

I LOVE Y'ALL.

 

 

End of Part 1 (We Ain't Even Halfway Through My Notes Of The Last 3 Months Baby, i came to bring my Pain and Love, HardCore from My Brain, Let's go Inside my Astral Plane...

 

 

 

To Be Continued ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Love.